Hockey Primer For Those Who Know Nothing About Hockey
(i.e. most Americans...and Brits)

The other day, I listened with horror as an American tourist attempted to discuss our national sport with a rabid Canadian hockey fan. To his credit, the Canadian exhibited remarkable restraint as the American droned on and on about a topic he knew nothing about.

When the American shrewdly observed that the game went to the team that put the most points on the board -- the Canadian did not respond with the sarcasm such a patently obvious observation merited. (A very good thing, considering a sarcastic remark directed at any American could very possibly cause your Mr. Bush to view Canada as an enemy of the state and launch an immediate full military attack to save us from ourselves...)

In the interest of global peace, allow me to offer this comprehensive and detailed summary of the Great Canadian Sport: Hockey.

Ahem.

Hockey is a game that requires years of skill and practice. Men wearing many protective devices (because most of them are armed with wooden sticks, which they wave around in a MOST alarming and reckless manner) skate back and forth very quickly over ice on sharp blades of metal.

The people in the stands watch both them and the progress of a small black disc called a "puck" with great interest. (The word "puck" must never EVER be confused with another similar sounding word often spoken or shouted when the "red light" goes off -- see below.)

Occasionally, one of the men in a black and white striped shirt sees one of the players getting too tired -- and they reward them by sending them to a small but open enclosure for a nap. When this occurs, most of the player's teammates gather around the man in the black and white shirt to congratulate him for his insightful and most considerate decision. The player in question asks himself, "However can I sleep when my teammates out there are still playing?" So instead of taking a nap, they choose to sit and spit to ensure the enclosure is kept clean for the next occupant. (It should be noted that the experienced players spit ONLY once they have raised their visors...)

But everyone is waiting for a red light to flash. THAT'S what hockey is all about. For at the very instant that the red light flashes, the spectators (under the rules of this sport) are required to rise to their feet and make an assortment of very loud noises (some pleasant...others...ummm...not so pleasant), often accompanied by great waving of the arms and brandishing of hats and sloshing beer cups.

"Woo-hoo" is the most often used exlaimation. (Note: pronounced "woooo-hooooo.")

Once the men are done skating back and forth -- the precise number of times is determined by a random roll of some cosmic dice -- they go home.

So do the people.

And that is hockey.

Pretty much.