What I imagine I would say to the individuals who popped the trunk of my vehicle and stole all my luggage (thereby ruining my much-needed vacation) last weekend in San Francisco:  

Hi! Hello, there! No no - over here. Yeah. No no - my voice isn't coming out of the trash can. That's a good guess, though, seeing as how you probably mutter into it often. I was hoping I could have a few words with you?  

Well, goodness. Those were not the words I would have chosen, but alright then. Anyway, it appears that you have a few things that belong to me and my fiance.  

Hmm... well, I suppose "Finders keepers" is an interesting personal philosophy, but considering that you found these items in the trunk of our car, I don't necessarily think that applies. See, we worked hard for the money to buy those things you took and ...  

I'm sorry, but what on earth are you doing with my $20 tweezers? Well, yes, I guess the angled head is appropriate for "scratching in those hard to reach places," but I really don't think the intention is to dig them into your ...  

Good god. No, you can keep them. No really. Please. Keep them.  

Anyway, there were a few other things that I was hoping I could get back from you. The street value of a lot of the stuff is pretty low, but it costs a lot to replace them. My jeans, for example. They were on sale for $100, which is pretty good for a pair of ladies' jeans, especially since they originally cost $220. So it would take a lot of money buy another pair, but I doubt you could sell them on the street for more than $5. Plus, what on earth are you going to do with ladies' jeans?  

Oh, I see. You gave them to your lady friend. Ah, there she is now. She's a robust girl, isn't she? Well, that puts to rest my theory that meth makes you lose weight. And look at that - she's wearing my size 6 jeans. That's fairly amazing, actually. Kudos to her for not letting physics or top-stitching hold her back. And is that your child she is carrying?  

Well, no, actually there are very simple ways of finding out "if it's your damn kid." A quick trip to the clinic and they'll take some blood and ... no, no. I'm fairly sure that the doctor has no interest in implanting you with electronic receivers that will have the cops tracking you at all times. I've got it on good authority (my own) that SFPD doesn't give a shit about people who get robbed blind while they are visiting your city, so I think you are safe to undergo a paternity test for the little mongrel that is currently wearing my fiance's $300 Theory dress shirt as a nappy.  

Now, while I'm pleased to see how resourceful you've been with our beloved items, smearing them with infant feces and whatnot, there are a couple more things I'd like to ask about ...  

Our laptop? You got $50 for it? Wow. No, no - I'm sure that was a great score. I just didn't realize the $1300 price tag had depreciated so substantially in the 3 weeks since we've purchased it. 

My nightguard? It's a special device that's molded to my teeth, so I don't grind or clench them at night (which I do when I'm stressed. And hey - I've been doing that a lot lately). It costs about $500, insurance doesn't cover it, and it's totally worthless to anyone else and ... oh, look. You're wearing it. No, I don't suppose it would fit. Like I said, it's been molded to my teeth. And I have, just at a quick glance, about a dozen more than you. So I guess the "meth mouth" epidemic is alive and well.  

My jewelry? You did what with my jewelry? No, I'm not surprised you couldn't resell them for much, considering that I paid $30 total for everything that you stole. But I am surprised to hear you ground them up and snorted them in hopes of obtaining the powers of the animals from whence they came. Especially since they were plastic. No animals really died for those, except maybe the dinosaurs that created the petroleum which was involved. So you might be channeling the power of a thousand T-rexes.   

Whoa. Calm down there, buddy. Didn't mean to freak you out. 

Just a few more questions ... 

My birth control? You took all of them at once? Dude, that's actually kind of awesome. My money is that you'll be lactating by noon.  

My fiance's $300 dress shoes? Why exactly would you do that to a shoe? I mean, if you couldn't find a bathroom ... but wouldn't it have been easier to go on the sidewalk?  

Damn. I won't even ask about my hair gel.  

The funny thing is, my mom was right. Seeing how life has shit on you really makes me feel better.  

And if anyone does happen to find a set of Swiss Army brand suitcases dumped off somewhere (there were stolen Friday before last from the corner of Pacific and Battery, out of the trunk of our car), I would love it if you could contact me so I can get them back.