Unless You Play Soccer Professionally, Umbro Shorts Are Never a Good Idea
by Rebecca Kelley []
Published on 15/5/07 in Fashion
My fellow Drivlers and I went to the park today to bask in the sunshine, 80 degree weather, and get our Frisbee on. The park is a wonderful place to go to "people watch," and we did exactly that. There was your usual stream of chunky girls in too-small tank tops, pudgy shirtless men riding bicycles, and ultra-serious runners draped head to toe in lycra.
However, one park enthusiast in particular caught my eye. He too was playing Frisbee with his buddies. They were a shirtless lot, college aged and sporting board or cargo shorts and hairless, tan, and lean chests.
Everyone, that is, except for this guy. This guy had a curly "white guy" fro. Staring at his pasty white skin was like staring directly at the sun. His paunchy, hairy stomach hung over his shorts. And, unlike his friends, he was not wearing board shorts, cargo shorts, linen shorts, or any other respectable pair of shorts that hits your leg at the knee.
He was wearing purple Umbro shorts.
Let me be clear to those of you who are unfamiliar with Umbro shorts. Umbro shorts are nylon male short shorts that are usually neon-colored (I've only seen bright orange, bright red, bright purple, and bright green Umbro shorts, but maybe I'm just haunted by the Ghost of Hypercolor past). They typically hit at around mid-thigh, and they unflatteringly catch in the slightest of breezes, flittering in the wind to the chagrin of any and all passerbys.
Quite frankly, Umbro shorts don't look good on anyone except professional soccer players. Professional soccer players are buff, and their shorts never look uncomfortably short or tight:
I'm not certain the guy pictured above is wearing actual Umbro-brand shorts, but you get the idea.
Non-soccer players, on the other hand, don't look good in Umbro shorts. (And why is it that the only guys I've seen sporting uncomfortably tight and short Umbro shorts are overweight, hairy, pasty dudes with no shirts on? Do they hand these out at I'm a Dirt Ass Conventions?) Case in point:
The Adidas tattoo is a nice touch. (I know this guy isn't as paunchy as other Umbro Offenders, but he is still guilty of being hairy and wearing too-short shorts.)
Still don't think the shorts are that short? Here's another picture for you:
We're teetering on the brink of Ballsville here, and I think we can all safely agree that's not a place we'd like to venture. (This guy, by the way, has a whole gallery of leg-sprawling, hip cocked sassily to one side Umbro shorts images. Enjoy.)
There you have it, fellas. Are you paunchy? Hairy? Color blind? Not a fan of direct sunlight? If you answered "yes" to all of those questions, then Umbro shorts are clearly not for you. You're better off wearing something more flattering for your body figure (might I suggest a snowsuit?).
Remember, Umbro shorts are a privilege, not a right.
However, one park enthusiast in particular caught my eye. He too was playing Frisbee with his buddies. They were a shirtless lot, college aged and sporting board or cargo shorts and hairless, tan, and lean chests.
Everyone, that is, except for this guy. This guy had a curly "white guy" fro. Staring at his pasty white skin was like staring directly at the sun. His paunchy, hairy stomach hung over his shorts. And, unlike his friends, he was not wearing board shorts, cargo shorts, linen shorts, or any other respectable pair of shorts that hits your leg at the knee.
He was wearing purple Umbro shorts.
Let me be clear to those of you who are unfamiliar with Umbro shorts. Umbro shorts are nylon male short shorts that are usually neon-colored (I've only seen bright orange, bright red, bright purple, and bright green Umbro shorts, but maybe I'm just haunted by the Ghost of Hypercolor past). They typically hit at around mid-thigh, and they unflatteringly catch in the slightest of breezes, flittering in the wind to the chagrin of any and all passerbys.
Quite frankly, Umbro shorts don't look good on anyone except professional soccer players. Professional soccer players are buff, and their shorts never look uncomfortably short or tight:
I'm not certain the guy pictured above is wearing actual Umbro-brand shorts, but you get the idea.
Non-soccer players, on the other hand, don't look good in Umbro shorts. (And why is it that the only guys I've seen sporting uncomfortably tight and short Umbro shorts are overweight, hairy, pasty dudes with no shirts on? Do they hand these out at I'm a Dirt Ass Conventions?) Case in point:
The Adidas tattoo is a nice touch. (I know this guy isn't as paunchy as other Umbro Offenders, but he is still guilty of being hairy and wearing too-short shorts.)
Still don't think the shorts are that short? Here's another picture for you:
We're teetering on the brink of Ballsville here, and I think we can all safely agree that's not a place we'd like to venture. (This guy, by the way, has a whole gallery of leg-sprawling, hip cocked sassily to one side Umbro shorts images. Enjoy.)
There you have it, fellas. Are you paunchy? Hairy? Color blind? Not a fan of direct sunlight? If you answered "yes" to all of those questions, then Umbro shorts are clearly not for you. You're better off wearing something more flattering for your body figure (might I suggest a snowsuit?).
Remember, Umbro shorts are a privilege, not a right.
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