I Bet Jordin Sparks Has a Huge Fat Vagina

Published on 16/5/07 in People

It's almost as huge as the empty space between her ears.

(Let me start off by saying that I'm not explicitly saying Jordin Sparks does have a huge fat vagina--it's just that I am of the opinion that she's probably sporting a huge, vast canyon between those redwood tree trunk thighs of hers. For all I know, she could be a tiny, lithe, delicate little flower down there...but I seriously doubt it.)

Anyway, as you loyal readers may have noticed, we Drivlers watch American Idol. I hate watching it. Really, I do. I couldn't care less about the contestants or whether Ryan is gayer than Simon; rather, I fast-forward through most of each episode and thank my lucky stars that I don't have to deal with for another week.

I wonder if most of American Idol's viewers are just like me--unamused zombies who lethargically watch each episode out of obligation rather than to be entertained. If so, that's fine. What I don't understand are people who genuinely like the show, fervently vote for contestants, and are counting down the days until they can buy their Idols on Tour concert tickets.

Out of the people who genuinely enjoy watching American Idol, I suppose I can understand those who are voting for Melinda and/or Blake. Though Melinda lacks a discernible neck, she could sing a Richard Marx song and make you want to rock out to it. Blake is the only contestant left who I think could release a popular, marketable record album. Sure, he's dinky and cheesy and not a great singer, but he is contemporary and talented at beatboxing and moving around in a sort of douchy, sort of cool-looking dance hybrid.

What I can't condone, however, is anyone who genuinely and honestly likes the eight feet tall, two ton, Critter-teethed abomination that is Jordin Sparks. Have you ever met or seen someone and just wanted to beat the ever living crap out of that person for simply oozing annoyance from every pore? That's exactly how I feel about Jordin. I simply cannot stand her, and I know all of my reasons for hating her are superficial and mean, but I don't care. Here is what I hate about Jordin Sparks:

1. Her gigantic shit-eating grin that displays five hundred perfectly even teeth. She looks like her teeth go on for miles, which make me want to yank them out, fashion a necklace from them, and drape it around my neck while thrusting a bloody spear into the air and shouting "Critter teeth! Critter teeth!"

jordins_chompers

2. Her annoying "I'm seventeen! Tee hee!" personality. She grins like a moron when the judges give her advice, has sung like eighty songs that were originally featured in Disney animated films (I so wanted the judge's choice song to be Poor Unfortunate Soul. It would have been appropriate, seeing as how Jordin is about as stately as Ursula.), and is so gooey with sacchariney-sweet schmaltz that I get a sugar overload from just looking at her. She has the type of personality that if you were boarding a plane and saw you had to sit next to her, you'd go "Fucking hell" and pay the upgrade to first class.

(By the way, last season, Katherine McPhee also suffered from Bubbly Irritating Bitchitis. Symptoms include having vocal talent and stage presence that immediately evaporate into a giggly, brain dead persona who idiotically flashes numbers with one's hands when the judging begins. [Idol FIVE! FIIIIIVE! Huh huh.])

3. She's freaking huge. This doesn't annoy me so much as greatly amuse me. Whenever she stands next to Ryan, they look like a pair of Russian nesting dolls. Every time the stylists try to make her look feminine with lots of makeup and billowy dresses, all I see are meaty arms and ham hock legs.
jordinishungry

Which brings me to my assertion that she probably has a huge fat vagina. I mean, look at her. She's a beast of a girl. Everything about her is just vast and enormous: her man hands, her Steven Tyler mouth, her Paul Bunyan thighs. Wouldn't it be logical, then, to deduce that her cootch is as echoey and cavernous as the Grand Canyon? Sanjaya didn't get kicked off, she just sat on him and he disappeared in the labryinthian twists and turns of her mighty Mississippi.

jordinisacannibal

4. She's apparently uber-conservative. I read somewhere that she performed at an anti-abortion concert/fundraiser/Klan meeting/whatever. Now that's just scary. I imagine her giggling and stomping around the stage, earnestly stating that you'll go straight to hell if you get an abortion. That shit will haunt your dreams.

5. Her favorite song is MMMBop?! That song was popular when I was fourteen! I expected her favorite song to be retarded, but I was thinking it would be Radio Disney retarded, not "one-hit wonder when I was eight years old" retarded. Ugh. This is just the icing on the huge ass bitch cake.

There you have it. To sum up: Jordin Sparks is annoying, huge, and probably has a big fat vagina. Here's hoping she doesn't win American Idol, because I'm not sure I can stomach seeing this image plastered across magazines, television, and the Internet:
critteridol

God, I hope not.

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55 Comments

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JaneCopland

If only the Bon Jovi week's results hadn't included the votes from the previous week as well. She'd have been kicked off for sure. Written on 16/5/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

I know. Bon Jovi night was painful. Written on 16/5/07

My Comment:

ScottWill

Not to say Jordin's a slut (Jesus wouldn't approve) but, based on the title of the article, I'd like to throw in my favorite saying for women of...umm...vaginal virtuosity: Twat like a Glad bag. Written on 16/5/07

My Comment:

MattB

Heh. Aah... making fun of ladies with big man-hands huh?

From what I hear, you could target someone closer to home... :P Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

JamesRoy

This is pretty funny, Rebecca. Reminds me of the Family Guy episode where Peter goes to meet Anthony Robbins at a book signing, and gets ... well, not so much eaten as swallowed and digested whole. "Anthony Robbins hungry!"

BTW, that last picture - I thought you were suggesting that the eponymous vagina looked like ... um ... like that. I'm so ashamed. Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

contentmuse

When I need some time to focus and write, I embrace a tempestuous storm and nestle myself in Jordin's gargantuan blowhole with my thesaurus, fountain pen, notebook, my monchichi doll (just because), and Gepetto (just for extra effect). Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

FrankTheTank

Damn remind me never to get on your bad side.... Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

As long as you keep footing my drink bill at the bar, Frank, I can't ever get mad at you. :D Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

snowangel

You are one funny bitch! Thanks for the laugh! Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

You're welcome! Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

Drivl Front Page Mashup: Jordin Sparks in a Speedo and Umbro shorts, playing the recorder while she's riding a bike. Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

Dear God, that is both hilarious and horrifying. Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

DrFaustus

"It's like throwing a hot dog down a hallway!" Awesome. Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

Awwww, dude. Dude! And in my mind, the hot dog is all red and nasty! Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

Bodero

Well, I had agreed with your skank, jealous ass before you got to this part right here:

"She's apparently uber-conservative. I read somewhere that she performed at an anti-abortion concert/fundraiser/Klan meeting/whatever."

Wow, I'd sure hate to get in your way while you conjugate separate slurs from the Daily KOS' illiteracy handbook. You see, morons like you, lacking instinctual thoughts of morality and civility, overlook obvious fallacies in your tertiary ideology.

"Uber-conservative," meaning one respects the rights of the unborn living to live and breathe? One who understands the fact that there are actions, and there are consequences? Liberals void of mental capacity take note - you are responsible for your actions! Now I know that abortions provide an 'easy-out' for unprotected sex, and you can conveniently ignore that the living, breathing organism deserves to live. But how is that, of which almost half of the country agrees with, uber conservative? The question is rhetorical, I don't expect a DNC talking point back.

Oh, and the "Klan" meeting. How cute, considering the only Klansman in Congress is one of your own, Robert "Sheets" Byrd, (D - West Virginia). The leftists destroying this country love to equate our positions to racism, as then you retards don't have to debate based upon ideas, where you always lose. It's much easier to call us racist than debate issues such as illegal immigration, affirmative action, homosexual deviancy, and the like.

I guess I shouldn't have expect anything more from an editor at a site so aptly named "Drivl." Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

... oh. I'm sorry.

Did you say something? I was killing babies at the time. Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

Fluxx

Liberals void of mental capacity take note - you are responsible for your actions!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Say it ain't so?

Seriously though, I don't think anyone is using abortions as an "easy out" for unprotected sex. I, like most people I know have heard of girls who used abortions as a "birth control method", but I think they are few and far in between. Not to mention, I don't think girls who have that mentality should be raising kids in the first place. Most people who have sex and don't want kids use one of the 50 bagillion methods of birth control. Used correctly, they're safe, secure & don't result in babies!

But in any event, liberals "respects the rights of the unborn." The difference between pro-life and pro-choice is the choice part. I don't want anyone telling me when life begins...that shit is for me and me alone to decide. It's a question that gets right to your moral, spiritual & emotional core - something that will be vastly different for every single person. Even you.

As for your "almost half the country agrees" figure...I think you have your facts mixed up. Over half the country agrees that late term abortion should be illegal, but over half say that Roe v Wade should not be overruled. And about 35% say it should. The rest are undecided. (Again with the "it's a personal choice" thing.) Again, the "always legal, sometimes legal, sometimes illegal, always illegal" spread is very diverse. Choices. Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

Bodero

I appreciate your civil and thought-out reply. Here is where I disagree:

But in any event, liberals "respects the rights of the unborn." The difference between pro-life and pro-choice is the choice part. I don't want anyone telling me when life begins...that shit is for me and me alone to decide. It's a question that gets right to your moral, spiritual & emotional core - something that will be vastly different for every single person. Even you.

Fact of the matter is, I don't know when life begins. You don't know when life begins. We can all agree on that. There is no better way to put my following statement than verbatim from the idol of modern Conservatism:

If you don't know whether a body is alive or dead, you would never bury it. Until someone can prove the unborn child is not a life, shouldn't we give it the benefit of the doubt and assume that it is?
Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

ScottWill

Tell ya what: you believe what you want to believe, I'll do the same. You vote for who you want and I'll do the same. You come and piss on my figurative doorstep and I won't do the same because it's fucking rude. Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

If something's growing inside of me and I'd rather it not be there, I'll get rid of it. And there isn't a thing you can do about it. So I guess we're done here. Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

Bodero

You libs have a innate ability to speak without being spoken to.

If only your mother thought the same way. And to think, you're canceling out my vote. Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

You weren't spoken to either, buddy. You wrote the essay-like comment and called Rebecca a skank. And you obviously don't read before you write, or else your last sentence would read a little differently.

I have no idea why you bother yourself with Drivl, which is written by a group of Seattle liberals. I assume you'll reply with the witty "I get a kick out of your stupidity," which completely lacks imagination.

I also love it how conservatives think that abortion is wrong but yet wish that liberals had been aborted. What a fucking retard. Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

Bodero

I don't wish you had been aborted. I wish you'd see the irony in your thought process in that if your mother had thought like you do, you wouldn't be able to have this thought today. But you short-sighted libs will never realize that.

I'll leave the question about why I read this site alone for now. Written on 18/5/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

My mother does think like I do. Do you think that pro-choicers run for the abortion clinic as soon as they get pregnant? The right to choose includes the right to choose to have kids, you know.

However, if she hadn't wanted kids, I'd not be here and nothing much would be different aside from the fact that the WSU women's 800 yard freestyle relay record would be slower than it currently is. Which would be totally tragic. But I'd not be here to care about it, so never mind. Written on 18/5/07

My Comment:

Aleksandra

Huh, you wish her mother had aborted her? What about the sanctity of human life? The sweet little unborn fetus? The giggly little baby? Oh, love the fetus, hate the kid. Let liberals abort their babies but God save the angelic conservatives. Yeah.

Fuck you, Bodero, you're borderline insane and have the reasoning skills of a rabid chihuahua. Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

Bodero

Your reply is excessively bland and not up to the standards of Drivl. Please try again. Written on 18/5/07

My Comment:

ScottWill

What baffles me, Bodero, is that you clearly read Drivl regularly and are, thus, completely aware that the tone around here is snarky, irreverent and often offensive in the name of humor.

You seem to have no problem enjoying this tone and type of humor as long as it doesn't tread to closely to any of your particular political/religious beliefs, at which point you become selectively outraged.

You seem to want to have your cake and eat it too, so to speak. We've written shit on here that offends my personal beliefs, were it meant in any sincerity, but it's not. If you want to hang around and be a member of the community and have a laugh with us, that's awesome, but you damn-well better expect that at some time the wit you enjoy reading will come around and target a "group" you belong to as well.

You're aware, as well, of our general political bent around here. This is not a forum where we choose to practice eloquence or rhetorical brinkmanship, so don't expect a high-minded debate (especially when your own arguments are almost always prefaced by "that's the problem with you libs"). The selective and intensive bouts of moral superiority and vitriol make it seem like you're trolling.

Nutshell: You know perfectly well what to expect around here. Either roll with it and have fun with the rest of us or, if you find the content and community so objectionable, find a forum where you'll feel more comfortable. Written on 18/5/07

My Comment:

Aleksandra

Huh. Don't expect her to listen though. Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

My skanky ass is only jealous of your pristine eloquence. Whoever dates you is a real winner! (Hopefully he'll wear a condom.) Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

You know, even us married liberals must be leg-spreading all over town due to our inherent skankiness. Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

Aleksandra

Conservative girls like to keep their legs together, thank you very much! Written on 17/5/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

Oh, dude, you chose the Photoshopped version! Scott spent so many loving hours working on that stuff. Written on 18/5/07

My Comment:

EpicQuaker

And God spent many lecherous hours working on that muff...Amen. Written on 29/6/07

My Comment:

EpicQuaker

And God spent many lecherous hours working on that muff...Amen. Written on 29/6/07

My Comment:

contentmuse

Perhaps attempt to choose your battles more keenly. Your views are impertinent and prose is disrespectful.

If you were being a bit more astute, you would realize (perusing through the site) the content is not to be taken seriously. It's for kicks and giggles!

I have a stellar solution in reference to your vociferation of the posts and disregard for the authors: Don't come back!

The irony is you used a plethora of derogatory remarks towards our intelligence, but you didn't have enough respect for yourself to edit your grammatically incorrect last sentence:

I guess I shouldn't have expect anything more from an editor at a site so aptly named "Drivl."

I came across this quote once during one of my benighted, "idiotic" readings:
"It is a trait of fools to perceive the faults of others but not their own." - Cicero

Take your obfuscated "drivel" somewhere else please.

Written on 18/5/07

My Comment:

Bodero

I like you. Written on 18/5/07

My Comment:

EpicQuaker

'Homosexual deviancy?' Now I know you're simply trolling...I thought Drivl had safety locks for anachronistic thought.

Also, fuck Byrd...he's the last of the oft-maligned (and rightfully so, I might add) Dixiecrats. Your argument is of a kind with those who toss out Lincoln's Republicanism to ingratiate themselves with black folks. You should be ashamed. Written on 29/6/07

My Comment:

blitzhund

I am actually amazed at the inability of people to laugh...just laugh...that's it - don't sit around watching the world happen and waiting to be offended.

I don't watch American Idol (another Brit tv product that we got bored of and sent it off to America) however this article was absolutely hilarious.

Well written!!!

Bordero the next time you're over in the UK, please make yourself known, there are 55,000,000 of us that would like to slap you. Written on 18/5/07

My Comment:

Bodero

Bordero the next time you're over in the UK, please make yourself known, there are 55,000,000 of us that would like to slap you.

Must be that "tolerance" you libs speak of. Written on 18/5/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

Hmm, no, I embrace both intolerance and abortion. I support higher taxes on the rich and gun rights. Oh my God, I don't align directly with the policies or stereotypes of any one political party. Surely no! Written on 18/5/07

My Comment:

Bodero

I support higher taxes on the rich

The rich already pay higher taxes. There, you win. Of course, what you want to do is cast higher taxes on those trying to become rich. You see, we tax income, not wealth. The rich are already rich and wealthy - look at Diane Frankenfeinstein with her husband's fortunes - they don't pay more taxes than anyone else who makes whatever pittance the House pays.

and gun rights.

That's not a Conservative issue, that's a Constitutional issue.

Oh my God, I don't align directly with the policies or stereotypes of any one political party.

Neither do I, apparently, with this amnesty bullshit. But I never mentioned parties - I consistently align you with the libs, and me with conservatives, because that's where we lie on the spectrum. Written on 18/5/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

Bloody hell. You are getting very boring. Written on 18/5/07

My Comment:

EpicQuaker

Uhhh...most issues that divide the populace on the Left and Right are Constitutional in nature. Isn't the whole 'right to life' spiel centered around violation of 'life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?' Written on 29/6/07

My Comment:

BobSaget

Holy Crap. That was the funniest shit I have read in awhile. I really teared up when reading that from trying to control laughter. Rebbecca you are my favorite blogger ever. Written on 18/5/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

I imagine sterile offices all across the world being interrupted with snorts of inappropriate Rebecca-induced laughter. Written on 18/5/07

My Comment:

mega

dat's sum funny shit! poor, poor Melinda! Written on 18/5/07

My Comment:

lndrtm

HAHAHAHA, AMEN to that! i couldn't have said it better myself. i thought i was the only person that felt like that towards jordin. that part what you wrote about sanjaya being sat on was hilarious! i really hope she doesn't win.

you know another thing that annoys the hell outta me about jordin? the part where seacrest is reading off the phone # for the viewers to call, and you see the giant trying to be all cute and making heart signs and her number with her hands. so freaking annoying!!! Written on 19/5/07

My Comment:

clifthompson

It's not so much hate for her alleged "uber-conservative" issues that gets on my nerves.

It's the obvious hatred for her alleged "hugeness". I mean, damn, she's thick, not fat, and there is a difference.

This is the kinda B.S. that causes women of truly voluptous proportions to lash back and just say "screw you skinny b****hes. I market to a different demographic."

If she had a double chin that doubled as a bib, thighs that resembled the lunar map, breathed hard just thinking of excercise, or had the spare tire the size of a giant squid kalamari, then, you know, yeah, I think it's safe to say, she's definitely someone on the DA-YUM! side of being Fat. But this misnomer of calling a thick woman "fat" or "huge" or any other group of words to imply her excess weight, and disdain for it, is kinda dated. Like those black comedians who go "white people do (fill in blank) but black people do (fill in blank)". Or pre-Kung-Fu grip GI Joe's. Or "Yo Mama" jokes.

Peace. Written on 19/5/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

I never said she was fat, just her vagina. Sure, I made jokes about her eating things in the image speech bubbles, but that's because I think of her as ogre-esque in stature (e.g. "Fee fi fo fum!"). I know that she's thick and tall, thus making her "huge," which I think is funny. Seriously, she's built like her father.

I'm not saying that big girls are less than human. Jordin's hugeness combined with all of her other annoying qualities is what gets me riled up.

And, as much as I'd like to believe otherwise, I wouldn't consider myself a "skinny bitch," more like a paunchy bitch. Written on 21/5/07

My Comment:

MattB

"pre-Kung-Fu grip GI Joe's"

Aah man, unleash the flood of happy memories. Good ol' Joe.
Of course, my Thundra would always kick Joe's ass, but he was a sport about it. Written on 21/5/07

My Comment:

girlinlove

I have to agree with some of what you say--especially since LaKisha was definitely the reigning heifer in terms of weight. Honestly, i think one of the things that makes her look so freakishly huge is the contrast between her and Ryan Seacrest. What we should really be commenting on is how much of a dweeb he is--that is way more entertaining for me.

I was in a coffee shop in Hollywood with friends once, and this place was packed...it was raining outside....actually, no, wait, it was Santa Monica...yeah, so anyway, this really huge woman walked in. She was waiting in line like everyone else, for...like...ever, so I got a lot of chances to stare at her. She was about 7 and a half feet tall (no joke) and not fat at all, wearing a mini skirt and 3 inch heels. She was pretty good looking, but in a really huge way, and she was with a regular sized guy who she pretty much dwarfed. After that experience, I can't really see Jordin as Huge.

As a side note in reference to other comments: This site is funny and offensive, but only if you choose to be offended. I don't agree with everything everybody posts, but that is not a requirement for something to be funny. Way to go for being bitchy in a funny way, Rebecca. Written on 23/5/07

My Comment:

kmos711

So I Googled "I hate Jordin Sparks" and this is the only "real" story that I found. I love it! It's harsh, but oh sooo true! I knew there was something I didn't like about Jordin when I looked at her and you put that into perspective for me!! Written on 24/5/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

*Sigh*

Of course she won. God hates me. Written on 24/5/07

My Comment:

Joshh

I accidentally stubled on this piece of SHIT while browsing thru the internet.
why the fuck do you go around insulting people?
are you insecure, or just a bitch.
why biggot moronslike you take pleasure in trashing others, saying dakota fanning is butt ugly (which she is not) and jordin sparks has a huge fat vagina?,
man....u can go choke on a cock for all i care,
biatch. Written on 15/9/07