Members login Not a member yet? Sign up
Rebecca Kelley

Shrek the Turd

by Rebecca Kelley []
Published on 21/5/07 in Movies
Enough already.
Though it averaged a 43% Rotten Tomatoes score, Shrek the Third debuted to a kick-you-in-the-balls $122 million weekend opening. The sickeningly high box office draw isn't what hurts the most, though. What really has me fearing for the future of mankind's intelligence is the fact that Shrek 4 has already been greenlit for 2010. And it will be directed by Mike Myers. And it will be in 3-D.

Come on, America. We've been too polite with this goddamn franchise for too long. Shrek is overrated. Shrek 2 is grossly overrated. And now Shrek 3 is such an abomination of overratedness that I just made up a word to express how overrated it is. This shit should be going straight to DVD by now, but because of all you retarded moviegoers who shelled out $10 to see this sad excuse for a film, now we have to put up with Shreks 4 through 15. I'll be old and toothless in a retirement home, and on movie day I'll get shuffled to the nearest cineplex to watch Shrek the 68th: Shrekkin' with the Oldies. Goddamn you Dreamworks.

I know that I'll forever be alone on this, but I don't care. In my opinion, the Shrek movies simply aren't good. In 2002, Shrek beat out Monsters, Inc. for a Best Animated Film Oscar, which is one of the most bullshit wins in the history of Oscar bullshit wins (see also Roberto Benigni, Shakespeare in Love, and, of course, Jennifer Hudson). I simply cannot condone Shrek's Oscar win. Which of the two movies, Shrek or Monsters, Inc., will hold up better in twenty years, and which movie is nothing more than ninety minutes of then-current pop culture references (Matrix spoofs? What the hell?) and wink-wink dick jokes that are "clever" only because they're subtly aimed at parents?

Shrek 2 was a classic case of SSDM (Same Shit, Different Movie). The greedy folks at Dreamworks saw how ludicrously successful the first Shrek was, so they pumped out a sequel post-haste in order to capitalize on stupid American children. I honestly don't remember anything about the sequel other than Antonio Banderas as Puss in Boots and a giant gingerbread man. I do remember that, like the first Shrek, I thought it was shit.

Now we've got a third Shrek, which my boyfriend will undoubtedly drag me to go see, even though he knows that my hatred for the franchise burns like Paris Hilton's pre-Valtrax morning pee. I just don't know if I'll be able to bring myself to watch Shrek 3. I'd rather watch Vera Drake, Requiem For a Dream, and Irreversible in a bummer movie three pack than have to sit through nearly two hours of fart and booger jokes, whiny Justin Timberlake, and a grating Scottish accent that stopped being funny after So I Married an Axe Murderer.

For the love of God, Dreamworks, take a page out of the Pixar Guide to Making Quality Movies. You are the reason shit like Shark Tale (coincidentally, also released by you) gets greenlit and released into theaters. Have you seen The Incredibles? Finding Nemo? Cars? Virtually any movie put out by Pixar? These are all movies that are fueled by a compelling, well-written storyline. They don't depend on huge celebrity voices or the smell of cold, hard cash that stems from eighteen sequels.

Unlike you, Shrek green-lighters, Pixar understands that it is possible to make a movie that both children and adults will appreciate, movies that can stand the test of time and become the next generation's Robin Hood, The Little Mermaid, The Jungle Book, Alice in Wonderland, etc. I remember watching Disney movies as a child and loving them then, and I own most of them and still love them as an adult. How many children who see the Shrek movies can make that same claim ten, fifteen, twenty years from now? How many future adults can pop in Shrek and laugh at the fart and earwax jokes, chuckle at the bullet-time sequence, and giggle at the Charlie's Angels spoof?

I'm guessing (and hoping) not many.

Tag & Vote

Technorati Technorati Tags:
shrek
Social Bookmark:
Submit to Del.icio.us Submit to Digg Submit to Reddit
Vote:
 4.3 (6 votes) Login to vote

Share, it's good for you


Copy and paste the code above to post this story on your MySpace or Blog.

21 Comments

Wanna comment? Signup!

thatgirl

Alora
Not to sound like a pain in the ass of your opinion which
I in no way want discredit its your opinion and thats fine..
I just however disagree... I like shrek... I'm 17 I went to see shrek the third saturday... however over-hyped... I still
thought it was decent. So maybe that says I'm immature...
whatever that doesn't bother me. But the character that Justin Timberlake plays/reads/what ever the fuck you wanna call it
{I kinda hate his post *nsync guts... i think he's a groady future owner of never land ranch now}

I didnt even know it I was him... I liked the movie is all i'm saying
I like kids movies my mom at 43 likes kids movies including shrek she
also likes finding nemo. So maybe she's immature to whatever
I being a teenage girl find the fart and booger jokes amusing and so do my friends that are other teenage girls... all I wanna do is display a different opinion... Written on 21/5/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
Hopefully you'll outgrow this phase. Written on 21/5/07

Fluxx

Jeff Pollard
And use proper grammar and spelling. Written on 22/5/07

jorn

jorn k
"I like shrek... I'm 17 ..."


Stop

right

there.


Nobody gives a fuck.

You are 17, the absolute pinnacle of the disparity between how much you think you know and how little you actually do. It's true. No way around it. Sadly, this very fact will compel you to violently (and with no regard for grammar/spelling) disagree with me. Here it comes... Written on 25/5/07

MattB

Matt B
"In 2002, Shrek beat out Monsters, Inc. for a Best Animated Film Oscar, which is one of the most bullshit wins in the history of Oscar bullshit wins".

Hear hear!
Mike Myers will always hold a special place in my heart for "Wayne's World" (ok ok, moving on...) but Shrek is the proverbial flogged horse.

Mike and Sully. Sigh. Gold. Written on 21/5/07

ryank

Ryan
"...burns like Paris Hilton's pre-Valtrax morning pee." That had me laughing about as hard as I did at the movie. Perhaps it was the company I was with (a four year old girl and a seven year old boy), or the day I already had (having fun at the Seattle Aquarium with the kids).

I suppose I could blame it on my fascination with the oh so lovely tough girl Snow White whom I've been in love with from the age of five.

Hopefully the fourth installment will also be in smell-o-vision.

Finally I just have to add, the kids and I are in agreement, the poop and fart jokes were the funniest! Written on 22/5/07

contentmuse

contentmuse
I sense there is more to the Shrek empire than is immediately available to common acumen... There is something too dubious about the countenance of Shrek...

The Pentavirate has struck once again... Who is the Pentavirate?

"The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face. Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!" Written on 22/5/07

BobSaget

Greg Finn
"Even though he knows that my hatred for the franchise burns like Paris Hilton's pre-Valtrax morning pee."

Thanks, I just gagged while drinking my coffee. So true though, Meyers is lame these days.

HEEEEEED! PANTS! NAOW! Written on 22/5/07

LessBright

Kevin
Drivl=trouble at work

although everyone knows ms. hilton is pumping iron in the yard by now, having her, undying hatred,and painful STD's in the same sentence truly expresses my feelings for that retarded pile of catch phrases and daddy financed fame.

im going to laugh myself into homelessness!

-k Written on 22/5/07

JulieC

Julie Clanton
I absolutely HAD to become a member today due to this article. I broke into tears of joy. I have now found another person other than my Husband and 8 Year old that banned Shrek several years ago. Oh, we don't just dislike this "character". We fucking hate him and all his little friends. Fortunately, we were only subjected to the first movie. I might be crazy but I thought the actual characters were creepy to watch. Anyone else? Written on 22/5/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
Welcome, JulieC! You and I should start a club.

Oh, and I only saw the second Shrek because I used to work at an elementary school, and every Wednesday was Movie Day. I had to yell at the kids to shut up during The Iron Giant, and yet they were silent and enthralled during Shrek 2.

I hate kids. Written on 22/5/07

JulieC

Julie Clanton
Thanks for the Welcome! Ah, the Iron Giant...that beauty is in our DVD cabinet. Am I reading this correctly? You actually worked at an elementary school and lasted more than 15 minutes? I break out into a cold sweat just driving through a school zone. Now babies, don't get me started on that subject...not a fan. Written on 22/5/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
It's a good thing your kid is 8 then! Written on 22/5/07

scottieJ

Scott Jahnke
I went to school for computer animation, so I see these movies from a bit more of a technical aspect...and Monsters Inc. was infuckingcredible. Shrek...not a fan for reasons too numerous to count. Never saw the second won, won't see the third or fourth unless I am drunk and talked into it. I get talked into a lot of stupid things when I am drunk.

And as a general rule, Dreamwork's animated movies suck compared to Pixar's. Written on 22/5/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
Hell yeah they suck compared to Pixar. It should be an 11th Commandment. Written on 22/5/07

ScottWill

Scott Willoughby
If thou art a Dreamworks SKG animated film, Thou shalt suck when compared to a Pixar animated film. Written on 23/5/07

scottieJ

Scott Jahnke
And so it was written. And the people trembled in fear of the fourth coming of Shrek. Written on 23/5/07

demius

Alexis van der Merwe
Shrek was entertaining. I haven't seen the third installment, but I'm assuming it's the same as the first two, which were larely entertaining. I agree that none of these CG animated movies will ever be rated as classic kids movies, but they're entertaining now. Written on 24/5/07

ShelbSpeaks

ShelbSpeaks
"Shrekin' with the oldies!" What exactly is Shrekin'? Anyways, I turned down my fiance and his families invite to see the 3rd and I really dont feel to bad about it. Thats $10! I could buy 3 gallons of gas with that!

Curious? Check out Christopher Ruddy Written on 25/5/07

DrunkClown

Jeremy Watson
Rebecca, I love you. This review should be pasted to the door of every cinema showing this appalling shit. Shrek? Dreck.

The Shrek movies always sucked leper cock. The first one was just an excuse for Jeffrey Katzenberg at Dreamworks (ex-Disney) to have a go at Michael Eisner & Disney. 'Twisted Fairy Tale' my fucking arse, it's just a suit with a grudge taking a crap in his old boss's swimming pool. I for one resent having a pissing contest between obscenely rich studio executives passed off as childrens' entertainment: I dislike forking out good money to watch these fatcat pricks chuckle and wave box office figures in each others' faces with their goddamned in-jokes. Stale parody and po-mo irony just put more sand in the vaseline.

Got to say that Cars was not particularly good for Pixar (insipid story and dull characters), but as their first ho-hum in an otherwise unbroken string of glory, I'll forgive them. I can always get out 'My Neighbour Totoro' rather than risk my little niece being spiritually molested by Dreamworks.

And don't even think of getting me started on Shark Tale: all involved in that obscene circle-jerk are whores of the first order. Written on 9/6/07

Joshh

Joshh
R you some sort of bad comedian.
are you trying to be funny, becouse - in all honesty..............you suck donkey balls.
i go from article to article reading your retarded
shit, it never get's thru to me.
you probbably say dakota fannings ugly becouse, in
reality you look like the rear end of a constipated moose.
. so, would you be a darling and SHUT THE FUCK UP.

ps. Shrek rocked my nuts off, and that'drunkClown' fucktard bitch should be castrated and thrown into a river. Written on 15/9/07

Wanna comment? Signup!