Would it kill radical cleric Muqtada al-Sadr to floss? Just once in a while? Have you seen his bottom row of teeth? He goes into hiding all the time, and I'm like, "Dude, find a dopkit, load it up with travel sized toothpaste, a toothbrush, and a spool of floss and get in front of a mirror. Take care of it because it has turned into a situation."

I'm guessing his cave doesn't have a satellite dish and I'm positive he is just biding his time, waiting on the seventh Harry Potter book to come out this summer. If they've run out of chalk, hop-scotch is out. What else does he have going on? Couldn't he focus some of his attention on those buttery-yellow teeth of his?

I partially blame Hollywood for this because of the realistic depiction of Shredder and his Foot Clan soldiers from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Muqtada obviously is patterning most of his behavior on an unhealthy obsession with Shredder. But Muqtada hasn't yet adopted Shredder's face covering. For all we know Shredder didn't floss either, but what if he did?

I bet ordering around masked henchmen 24/7 gets pretty old. As a radical Shiite cleric, I know he has a lot on his mind. Like destroying the west, rationing his medicated dandruff shampoo, and playing online chess with his banker in the Cayman Islands. And arranging his Foot Clan action figures. But dental hygiene shouldn't take a back seat, even in the defining ideological struggle of our time.

I obviously think Muqtada is bonkers. After all, he thinks Shredder hung the moon and I'm totally a Splinter guy; even as a mutant rat you've got to believe Splinter flossed.

But if you're the face of your organization, as al-Sadr is, and your picture is going to be flashed around the globe, maybe you should freshen up a bit. Would the Mary Kay be seen without her face on? I don't think so.

I'm guessing Muqtada is a fundamentalist in everything he does. I bet he eats all of his fries before he even starts on his hamburger. And you know he wasn't mixing his corn, peas, and mashed potatoes into one heap of hearty goodness.

My final theory is this. Maybe al-Sadr knows that the American Dental Association operates a shadowy group of Washington D.C. lobbyists who are hell-bent on getting lawmakers to approve earmarks and pork barrel legislation that increases the amount of peppermint wax that they can coat their floss with; after all, the wax is how they get you hooked.

Is it so far fetched to assume that if amazing teeth remind him of the godless west, then cavities and plaque have turned into his personal sacrifice? He's an extremist, guys. This is what they do. If he is a blogger I'd place money on his posts being tagged with an extremist Technorati Tag. But none of this should keep him from flossing. Nothing should.