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Rebecca Kelley

A Dissection of Britney Spears' Letter to Her Fans

by Rebecca Kelley []
Published on 31/5/07 in People
This letter should be taught in college COM courses nationwide.
Britney Spears put a 900-word letter to her fans on her website today (it's to the right of the photo of her trying to look sexy and only succeeding in looking like a naked wig-wearing person about to administer a horse enema). The following is a dissection of her fan letter:

Dear Fans,
Translation: "Dear fan,"

I just wanted to reach out to all of you and explain some of the things that I have been faced with recently.
Translation: "Dear Gahd, my next album is goin' straight down the shitter unless I salvage the rusted, sinkin' dinghy that is my image."

It's so funny how many stories are put out there about people.
They're not "stories," Britney. Paul Bunyan and his blue ox, Babe, is a story. You neglecting your kids, flashing your vag, shaving your head, and puking in nightclubs is a sad reality.

It's like we all want our side of the story out there as well, but at the end of the day only a few people care to hear what is really going on since the bad is always so much more interesting than the truth.
This isn't The X-Files, Britney. The truth isn't out there--we all know you're an idiot.

I don't know why, but this is so weird to me.
What, responsibility?

I used to be angry at the tabloids for printing horrible things about me, but now I try to just be numb to what I see.
I felt numb too when I laid eyes upon your C-section scar.

I saw Tyra Banks once get really upset and cry on her show because they made her look fat. We all want a certain image of ourselves out there, and at some point we all do really care what other people think or we wouldn't be here.
Translation: "At least I'm not as fat as Tyra, y'all!"

Recently, I was sent to a very humbling place called rehab.
"Called" rehab?! Please Britney, tell us more about this magical realm called "rehab"! Can you ride unicorns there?

I truly hit rock bottom. Till this day I don't think that it was alcohol or depression.
"Till this day" means that, until (note the one 'l') today, you didn't think alcohol or depression were to blame, but now you do. I think you meant "To this day." [Scott's input: "No, she was instructing her followers to till this day, so she can plant panty trees in the fertile soil and prevent me from ever having to see her razor-burned twat again."]

I was like a bad kid running around with ADD.
Translation: "Gahd, I love coke."

I had a manager from a long time ago come in and try to direct me and my life after I got my divorce. I was so overwhelmed I think that I was in a little shock too. I didn't know who to go to.
Britney, when your manager brings you undies and points out that your kid has his head lodged firmly up in the fireplace, I'd pay attention if I were you.

I realized how much energy and love I had put into my past relationship when it was gone because I genuinely did not know what to do with myself, and it made me so sad. I confess, I was so lost.
Yeah, those matching velour sweatsuits on your wedding day must have taken a lot of time to Bedazzle.

This letter is not to place blame on anyone, although I do see the world with a completely different set of eyes now.
Translation: "I just realized that no one will buy my next album."

Being in that vulnerable state and taken to dinners and parties with friends and finding out later you paid for everything was a huge learning lesson for me.
Translation: "I'm running out of 2-for-1 coupons at The Olive Garden."

I think the whole problem was letting too many people into my life. You never know another persons intentions or what another person wants.
I want you to use apostrophes in your letters--it's "person's." Also, please relocate to a cave in the Yukon.

I feel I was too open and looking for answers when I had it all to begin with.
I know! Why search for enlightenment when you have hot pink bras?

I have had to cut so many people out of my life.
Me too--they're usually people who spell "slave for you" "slave 4 u."

It is so sad, because if anyone is a family person...it is me.
Um, Sean Preston is wandering around near the freeway.

When I was little I remember every night watching movies with my family and feeling so at peace. Dancing and singing all the time just like a little girl should.
Translation: "Fuck you Jamie-Lynn! I'm the singer/dancer/star, not you!"

Now recently I find with my children that I want them to have that feeling all of the time.
I think giving them a bath would be a nice start--they can experience the sensation that is "cleanliness."

I am having to face a lot of things right now since I have children of my own.
I know, Child Protection Services is a bitch.

A lot of insecurities from when I was little are coming up again. It is like we are never good enough.
Seriously, this letter has changed direction and focus like eight times by now. I half-expect to next read, "Life is so stressful. I like squirrels."

I know everyone thinks that I am playing the victim, but I am not and I hate what is going on right now so much.
Translation: "I'm going broke, and it sucks."

Maybe this is the reason for this letter...to maybe allow people to look at me differently.
Nah, the letter pretty much validates how genuinely dumb you are.

It is like when you are a real woman and say what you feel and how you think things are supposed to be, but people just say you are a "bitch."
A "real" woman? Did she watch Pinocchio before penning this? "Gepetto, Gepetto! I'm a real woman, and I can say what I want!"

I feel like some of the people in my life made more of some issues than was necessary.
Translation: "Grandma Ethel, you're such an asshole."

I also feel like they knew I was beginning to use my brain for a change and cut some ties, so they wanted to be in more control of my life than me.
"Use my brain for a change"? Using your brain is worse, Britney. It's not like running zombies vs. walking but thinking zombies (running zombies = way worse). We've got Thin and Vapid Fembot Britney or Fucktard Britney, and based on how things have gone with you using your brain "for a change," I actually would urge you to look pretty but keep your trap shut.

I think it is actually normal for a young girl to go out after a huge divorce. I think it was a bigger issue because I had not gone out in such a long time.
For a normal girl, "such a long time" equates to months and months, while for you it means "I haven't been to a party in, like, four days!" It's not a parallel example, Britney.

I am 25 and I do still have a lot to learn, and I am going to make mistakes everyday, and I am sure every mistake I make will probably be on CNN or Good Morning America.
I'm 23, and I still have a lot to learn. I don't, however, make mistakes every day because I'm not retarded. The ones I do make don't involve neglecting my (nonexistent) kids, having my hoonaner flop out as I'm getting out of cars, and shaving my dome after a recent case of the crazies. Seriously, couth yourself Britney!

I am only human people and I love you for still loving me.
Missing comma = "I am only human people," as opposed to "I am only mermaid people."

I am sitting here at home and it is 6:25 and both of my sons are asleep.
Translation: "Thank Gahd for Robitussin P.M.!"

I am truly blessed to have them in my life.
Translation: "They make for a fetching fashion accessory."

Everyday is so surreal. Life in general is so surreal and crazy.
Translation: "That game Life is so hard, y'all! I like Operation better. It makes a funny buzzing sound!"

I just hope this letter made some of you think a little bit more of me and where I am coming from.
Nope.

I just want the same things in life that you want...and that is to be happy.
Translation: "Please, please, please, buy my next album."

It is just so weird because everyone has their own perception of me and how they think I really am. It is weird how stories are told. There is your side, my side, and the truth.
Your side: "Y'all, don't I look hot in these fishnets?"
The truth: You have vomit all over you.
My side: "Ugh, Britney Spears is so sad."

Somebody has to figure it out.
Translation: "I don't know anything."

I guess we will never really understand or figure out life completely. That's God's job. I can't wait to meet him...or her.
Someone please confiscate her copy of "Chicken Soup for the Enlightened Soul."

Love, Britney

Quote of the month:
It is ok to disagree with people regarding certain issues. Youre not being true to yourself if you succumb to others opinions because you feel guilty.
Translation: "What's 'soo cumb" mean?"

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19 Comments

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pacificdrumr

pacificdrumr
With role models like Tyra Banks, it doesn't surprise me Britney is so stable. Written on 31/5/07

JaneCopland

Jane
This is so funny... I was screaming with laughter. Chris told me to be quiet. Written on 31/5/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
Tell Chris he's a poop head. Written on 31/5/07

JaneCopland

Jane
He knows. Written on 31/5/07

blitzhund

William Paris
I spent my Friday morning spitting my coffee back up through my nose.

Best article...ever.... Written on 1/6/07

Zarvensha

Paul
There's a point when reading something like this where you lose it, you cant help start laughing.

"Life is so stressful. I like squirrels."

ROFLMAO Written on 1/6/07

RedSnapper

Rebekah Robinson
I'm not sure I have time to feel bad for Britney. Written on 1/6/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
But, but...she wrote a letter! Written on 1/6/07

sportrider

Sidharth Iyer
I don't believe it. There's no way she has the mental capacity to string together coherent sentences with mostly correct grammar. Much less keep it up long enough for a letter. I think its more likely that she blackmailed someone into doing it for her.

guy: But I don't want to
Brittney: Do it before I open this car door
guy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO anything but the scar. Please dear god no.
Brittney: Then start writing
guy: *whimper* Written on 1/6/07

JaneCopland

Jane
I thought about this, too. I thought long and hard about whether Britney Spears, the vacant-eyed, twat-parading, brainless shit of a girl, could write something that coherent.

I have come to the conclusion that she wrote something and that someone edited it to make it what we've just read. It was just too difficult to make the letter perfect, however, because, as I already mentioned, Britney Spears is a brainless twat. Written on 1/6/07

Lowkey

Lowestofthekeys
Sounds a lot like the process she uses to write her music, and possibly dictate her life. Written on 4/6/07

sportrider

Sidharth Iyer
I must meet this person. I believe we have found a superhero. This person seems to be able to take random, poorly written scribbles, and turn them into sentences. Surely that classifies him/her as a superhero Written on 4/6/07

timoj

timo
Hello there. Who is this person? Written on 5/6/07

DrunkClown

Jeremy Watson
Any woman so lacking in good judgment as to let Kevin "Who?" Federline squirt his fetid muck in her funbox has already been selected out by evolution.

Do you think that reference to wanting to meet God is a veiled suicide threat - 'buy my album or YOU WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ORPHANING MY CHILDREN!' Written on 9/6/07

byrongates

Byron Gates Jr
Britney is a pig. Can't sing, has unbearable taste in men, and gives motherhood a bad name. Can you imaging waking up one day twenty years from now and finding out Britney was your mom?
Britney, do the earth a favor, never fuck again. Written on 11/6/07

jtspicer

Justin Spicer
hahahahaha. that's the best way to describe my reaction to this article. keep 'em coming! Written on 15/6/07

Mudguts

Tim
Oh poor Britney.... Ahh har fucking harrr! Gotta change my underpants now. (just pissed myself!) Written on 17/6/07

laila

Laila Campos
It's weird how certain you are of what is going on trough someone's else mind. I'm not a hater nor a fan. In fact I'm pretty oblivious and uninterested by anything outside my own world (what is pretty much everything and everyone, including wars, beggars, "God", orphans, britney and you).
Anyway, you seem (imo) to consider a fact that Britney Spears is a dumb, blond bimbo who thinks nothing more than selling albuns, being hot and doing drugs.
Of course the mistakes and actions (good or bad, but especially the bad, as we human beings tend to be somewhat sadist as much as we tend to breath :3) of those how know how to manipulate the minds --a.k.a. "celebrities"-- of those less intelectually gifted --a.k.a. THE fans (mind you that admiring someone does not turn you into A fan, what leads to: a fan equals not to A fan)-- (...although is not impossible for the "celebrities" to be less intelectually gifted themselves Õ_õ... but anyway u_u'...) will always atract more attention than those of more common people, (although that is kind of strange, since they are not different in anyway...)
Of course she's only taking responsability for building an image over the years, for doing coke, for exposing her vagina and for whatever else is it she's done.
She's completely lost and it's unlikely she's ever gonna be the apple of the eyes of the midia once again.
However, I believe even britney is more complex than you're turning her to be. Not that I care anyway... Just passing by, read the article and felt like comment... so I did... Written on 16/9/07

Recetas

Tatiana
She´s clearly and completly lost... it´s a shame, since she has the material resources to be just fine, just needs some good intentioned advise, and guidence.recetas de estados unidos de norteamerica.. one more, too famous, too young. Written on 13/11/07

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