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Avitable

I'm here to help.

by Avitable []
Published on 4/6/07 in Animals
Is it safe for your dog to lick your vagina?
Yesterday, someone found my blog by searching Google for the following phrase: "Is it safe to have your dog lick your vagina?" I fear that this poor soul didn't find the answer she was looking for on my site, so I wanted to help her out in case she stops by again. And since I don't know her name, I'm just going to come up with a handy mnemonic to remember it.

So, dear Dog Fucker, the simple answer to the question "Is it safe to have your dog lick your vagina?" is, of course, yes.

The full answer is a bit more complicated than that, Dog Fucker. First of all, let me say that not only is it perfectly safe for your terrier to tongue your twat, but it's healthy! That's right - the saliva of the typical canine contains many anti-bacterial microbes that actually make your vagina cleaner and fresher than any household douching agent. In fact, next time you have a big date where you're expecting Johnny to go clam diving, make sure part of your evening preparation includes letting your labrador lick your labia - Johnny will thank you later!

This brings up the corollary to your question. Now that you know that it's safe for your pooch to pounce on your poon, how do you go about making it happen?

First of all, try some type of sweet spreadable food. Peanut butter works the best, but make sure to only use creamy! With crunchy peanut butter, the strength of your puppy's tongue might force little licked-clean peanuts up where he can't get to them, and then next time Johnny's fucking you in the backseat of his car and pulls out with pieces of peanuts all over his dick, you'll have some serious 'splainin' to do! Also, make sure not to use any food that requires biting. Sticking a small steak in your slit or holding a hot dog with your honey-pot is only going to risk having those sensitive parts chewed by your cuddly canine. Stick with foods that can be eaten by licking, and if you're not sure, test it on your hand, arm, or anus first.

Now that you have the food, it's time to set the mood. Put on some dog-themed music - I would recommend anything by Gnarles Barkley or Snoop Dogg. Then, while naked, with your food applied, approach your dog and face him or her. Give a sharp command of "Go downtown!" and then turn around, remaining on all fours. While it may seem strange, allowing Fido to freshen your funbox from the rear provides a shinier, sassier snatch than if you were to lay on your back and elevate your legs for your canine cooch cleaning. Remain in that position until Rover has finished relishing your rat trap or until you reach orgasm, whichever comes first. And you're done!

Dog Fucker, I wish you the best in all of your endeavors to have your Doberman devour your dickhole. And next time you need advice, all you have to do is ask! I'm here to help.

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27 Comments

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avitable

Avitable
I see that my original photo may have been a tad risque! Written on 4/6/07

Rebecca

Rebecca Kelley
I can only imagine what it was. *shudder* Written on 4/6/07

avitable

Avitable
Photographic evidence. :D Written on 4/6/07

sportrider

Sidharth Iyer
So, umm...
Wheres the part where u call the SPCA and let them know that some poor animal is being sexually harassed by a "batshit-insane bitch" Written on 4/6/07

avitable

Avitable
I don't know - dogs like peanut butter. Written on 4/6/07

sportrider

Sidharth Iyer
But they don't like honeyed peanut butter... Written on 4/6/07

byrongates

Byron Gates Jr
What? Cats shouldn't get to eat what they want? Personally, I'm picking up some peanut butter tonight on the way home for my cat...god knows what for!!! Written on 11/6/07

ShawnG

Shawn Gordon
...outside peanut butter, inside jelly... Written on 4/6/07

avitable

Avitable
I'm not sure that you know what the inside of a woman's vagina looks like . . . Written on 5/6/07

tunnuz

tunnuz
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH YOU MAKE ME DIE. Written on 5/6/07

avitable

Avitable
I'm just Dr. Kevorkian, Jr. Written on 5/6/07

robo

robo
This cracks me up. There's a Japanese slang for this word:
BATAKEN.

(n) Japanese slang meaning the act of having put butter on your manko and having a dog lick it off. Very old derivation.

So naughty! Written on 5/6/07

avitable

Avitable
The Japanese have been fucked up since MacArthur trampled all over them in 1945, and this is a good example of that! Written on 5/6/07

robo

robo
blah, actually we've been fucked up far longer then that. Written on 5/6/07

avitable

Avitable
Yeah, but the porn got really fucked up after that point. Written on 7/6/07

anneliese

anneliese raab
When I was fifteen, one of my buddies confided that she had caught another girl being orally serviced by her dog. The person in question had tatties and a mullet which, for the times, made the accusation of oral bestiality seem plausible... Written on 5/6/07

avitable

Avitable
So people with tattoos are more likely to engage in poochie pleasures? Written on 7/6/07

pjm

pjm
... and it was only the other day I made the comment.... "Growling at the badger!!" Written on 5/6/07

avitable

Avitable
That's a good one. Written on 7/6/07

Grandjester

Doug Mason
You can love your pets, but don't LOVE your pets Written on 5/6/07

avitable

Avitable
But your pets might LOVE you. Written on 7/6/07

Jen

Jen
Congratulations! This is the most fucked up thing I've read in a long time! There should be an award. Written on 6/6/07

avitable

Avitable
This is my own reward. Written on 7/6/07

Jennifer

Jennifer
Dude.....Lap Dog.......more than just a furry friend that sits in your lap. Noble women, in England. I won't spell it out for you. Written on 7/6/07

avitable

Avitable
Yes, they were better times, weren't they? Written on 9/6/07

Ziptooth

Roy Gallagher
How informative and specifically written for those who require (or may, in future, require) such essential grooming and trans-species bonding tips.

I must say that this did, indeed, make me desire my own dog and a jar of Bovril.


And a vagina. Written on 4/7/07

Agata

Agata
honeyed peanut butter???? to a dog??? NOOO!!! I wish I was born just a miserable human being...

signature: "Nothing makes you forget about love like sex toys."
Written on 26/8/08

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