Anyway. He has this ex who is a psycho. She's had gastric bypass surgery, brain surgery, and is a loner sociopath whose only social life exists sporadically on the internet. She has two kids, wears glasses and used to be a "personal chef." Seems like she sampled too much of her own wares, if you ask me. How they ever came to be together is one of the great mysteries of the universe because he is hot, talented and accomplished. Like I said, he is also a retard.
So, we are sitting on the floor, where we often have important conversations because I am one of those hippies who likes sitting cross-legged on the floor even when there are available chairs, having this serious conversation, when the doorbell rings. My love is not into answering the door unless he's expecting someone, and so, as we are not expecting anyone, and as it is after midnight, he goes to the peephole and tried to peer out. Nothing. So he waves me over—well, actually I volunteered myself—and I try to peer out. All I see is a pinky-peach blob which I surmise correctly to be the surface of a finger covering the peep-hole. Oh yeah, so we are totally not opening the door, now. The doorbell rings. We look at each other. At first I am convinced it is this girl friend of his that he is not allowed to see anymore. We are both convinced, because their friendship ended rather suddenly just a few days ago, when I ended it for them. (He is such a retard. I love him.)
So he whispers to me, "Do not say anything! There will be yelling, and I swear one of our neighbors is going to call the cops....just let her go away."
Me: "I swear I'll be good, let's just see what she wants."
He gives me this look that says "yeah fucking right," and rolls his eyes. I give in and we start to wait for her to leave. I get antsy, however, and go to the bedroom window to see if she went outside. Lo and behold, I catch sight of her getting something from her car and coming back into the apartment building. Then the doorbell starts ringing again. But get this: it isn't the friend. Boobs are too big(fat) and hair too long. I mention this to my darling and he gets this dark look. We decide it's his psycho ex. Has to be. He only knew the other girl for a couple weeks anyway. This constant knocking and bell ringing is more indicative of a long-standing obsession. Ok. So his crazy ex has come from four states away to do something to him, and here we are...waiting in the dark, whispering to each other. She knocks, she rings....and knocks, and rings...and then, a rock hits the window. Another rock hits the window. Then a pause and the doorbell starts ringing again. I'm thinking all kinds of crazy things, like how I want to burn her with cigarette butts, but all we can do is just wait for her to go away. Neither of us want the police involved. So we decide to go to sleep.
Before I drift off I whisper in my love's ear:
Me: "Hey."
Him: "What. Go to sleep."
Me: "Can we move away? I want to move away."
Him: "Where?"
Me: "I don't care. Just somewhere where there are no people. We could eat berries and you could kill animals. Just so there's nobody."
Him: "I could take you for the weekend."
Me: (pretending not to hear him) "We could make our house out of sticks. It'll be fun."
He presses my head against his chest, presumably to stifle my chatter. "Go to sleep. Please."
I'm silent for a few minutes. And then he says, "Buenos noches, angel." I kiss him. We go to sleep, and at some point, the she-wolf camped out at our front door fades away into the night.
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