Senator Hillary Clinton - The current frontrunner in the Democratic pack, Clinton is a smart, shrewd politician who rarely strays from prepared remarks and plays every move close to the vest.  Incidentally, that vest is mostly hidden behind a stunning canary-yellow pant suit. 

To many liberals, Hillary is the presumptive nominee.  I'm not quite sure why this is.  Maybe it's that intangible superstar quality she invokes when explaining why she voted for the Iraq War.  It could be the authenticity she conveys while speaking in any one of her assorted accents and adopted mannerisms.  Perhaps it's her enormous, bulbous eyes.  I think it's most likely that she is the frontrunner because there isn't a Democrat in America who wouldn't love to see the look on Republican faces when she becomes president.  Think of it as revenge for the highly traumatic election of Bush.  Twice.  You know what they say: Revenge is a dish best served in a canary-yellow pant suit.

Unluckily for Hillary, the role of frontrunner is a perilous position in Democratic primaries.  While Republicans idolize and deify their candidates, even when they don't deserve it (see George Walker Bush), Democrats are just as notorious for throwing their frontrunners under the bus.  Democrats don't even like Democratic candidates, let alone deify them.  Don't believe me?  Look at Al Gore.  Dems disdained him in 2000, even though he got the nomination and went on to (sort of) lose to George Bush.  Now that he isn't running for anything, he's the fucking bomb.  I mean, Christ, I think I saw Cameron Diaz throw her panties at him when he was on stage at the Oscars.  But if he gets into this race, you'll see how willing the left is to turn on Democrats who want to be president.

Anyway, back to Hillary.  To conservatives, Hillary represents a diabolical succubus bent on eating the brains of unborn children.  She exemplifies the "tax and spend, bleeding heart, peacenik, un-American, East Coast intellectual" that terrifies conservatives of all stripes.  To me, this is the most appealing thing about Senator Clinton.  Nothing in the world works radical right wingers into a white hot frenzy quite like Hillary Rodham Clinton.  If you're not sure what I'm talking about, watch a Republican next time Hillary comes on TV.  Notice the indignant, distinctly Caucasian grimace that spreads across their face.  Their lips will become tight(er), their movements will become stiff(er), and their whole body will tremor and quake as their bowels tighten up so much they're likely to poop the Hope Diamond. 

It's hard to overstate the extent to which Hillary incenses conservatives.  Righty politicos like Bay Buchanan have written entire books about Clinton and the post-apocalyptic wasteland that America would become should she be elected president.  For the record, Bay Buchanan is the sister of fringe nutball and former presidential candidate Pat Buchanan.  To give you an idea of how far right this family is, one of Pat's campaign speeches on immigration included a pledge to eliminate chop sticks in America's food courts.  Yikes.

When you look at Hillary's record, it's hard to understand why conservatives are so rabid in their opposition to her.  They say it's because she's so liberal.  After all, she proposed a constitutional amendment banning flag burning, voted to give the President the authority to go to war with Iraq, and she recently quoted famed superconservative Barry Goldwater in a CNN debate.  What a fuckin' hippie...

Justin's Senator Clinton Fun-Fact:  Senator Clinton's ass has its own Senator... and a formidable gravitational pull.


Senator Barack Obama - Watch out, because there's a new face in presidential politics. Unfortunately for him, the man who owns that face is probably too beautiful to even be president.  Have you seen this guy?  I mean, I'm not gay, but sometimes you look into those eyes and just get lost in a sea of chestnut brown...

Where was I?  Ah yes.

There's no doubt Senator Obama has tapped into something extraordinary in American politics.  He has reached out to truly diverse segments of the electorate.  Among his most ardent supporters are liberal young people who have never been interested in politics, moderates looking for change in Washington, and aspiring starlets who want to get ‘Marilyn Monroe-ed' in the White House hot tub. 

The appeal of Barack Obama is at least partially that Republicans don't know what to make of him.  "A black guy?  President?  What's next, black businessmen??  What, his middle name is Hussein???  I think I need to lie down for a minute."

A lot of political observers have made comparisons between past U.S. Presidents and Senator Obama.  I've heard comparisons to Abraham Lincoln (because he is a lawyer and first term Senator from Illinois), John Kennedy (because he represents a new generation of American politics that exudes hope and optimism), and William Howard Taft (because he eats cheesecake literally by the pound).

Justin's Senator Obama Fun-Fact: Obama's campaign is supported by Zach Braff.  That's right, the guy who brought you "Guy Love" is donating money to Senator McDreamy.  Kinda makes you wonder...


Senator John Edwards - Speaking of beautiful candidates, Senator Edwards has put together a formidable campaign that is currently running third nationally, and first in the important straw poll in Iowa.  To be fair though, all you need to do to win Iowa is to propose a constitutional amendment giving the vote to cornstalks.  It's that easy.

Edwards' campaign has resonated with many Democrats because of his work rebuilding New Orleans, his "Two Americas" theme, and a smooth Southern drawl that melts hearts as well as panties.

Edwards has created a signature issue out of poverty.  (For the record, he is against it.)  In fact, he when he announced his candidacy for President, he gave the speech from a hurricane-ravaged neighborhood in a poor ward of New Orleans.  The photo-op was sullied however when Edwards constantly checked to make sure his watch and wallet were still there.

Senator Edwards recently raised the ire of the media and conservative bloggers when it was disclosed that he paid $400 for a haircut.  While some wondered how he could possibly advocate for the poor while simultaneously paying such an exorbitant amount of money for a haircut, I wondered how he could possibly let those perfect golden brown tresses get snipped for any less than a thousand.

Some decried the "news story" as frivolous and immaterial to the campaign.  Others wondered aloud whether the wealthy could credibly advocate against poverty.  Then it was determined that the former were right and the latter were stupid and should be ignored.

Justin's John Edwards Fun-Fact:  While it's well-known that John Edwards' haircuts cost in excess of $400, it is not widely known that because he is from South Carolina, he pays for his dental work in corn liquor.  This also plays well in Iowa.