The Complete Nimrod's Guide to Presidential Primaries, Part II: Reloaded

Published on 16/6/07 in Politics

John McCain 2008: Because nothing says 'Republican' like a sad old man.

In my continuing effort to educate those who don't know any better about the wonders of primary politics, I turn my critical lens on the Republican frontrunners for President.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani - A true oddity in Republican politics, Rudy Giuliani is first in the polls for the Republican nomination for President.

On paper Rudy looks like a fantastic candidate. He is pro-choice, pro-gun control, and pro-gay rights. That's right, he's the quintessential triple threat... if he were a Democrat. His liberal stances don't end there. He even supports federal funding for abortions. If you're a Republican you probably just threw up a little in your mouth. I'll wait for you to grab some Scope...

And if you're not a Republican (and really, who is?), feel free to read on.

So how is this psuedo-conservative running first in nationwide polls? The answer is in two numbers separated by a slash. That's right, 9/11 still makes Republicans weak between the knees and wet in their knickers. Rudy's performance in the aftermath of the attacks in New York makes many in the party believe that he would be tough on terrorism. Personally, unless he had dispatched the NYPD to Afghanistan (and for the record, he did not) I don't see how being the mayor of a city that got attacked makes him qualified to advocate a hawkish national defense. But what the hell do I know? The Republican mind is still somewhat of a mystery to me.

Rudy's stance on abortion has left many Republicans unsatisfied. He says he personally opposes abortion, but he believes the choice should be left up to the individual. Ah yes, and Democrats personally favor abortions because unborn baby-brains make a delectable cracker spread. Besides, wasn't that John Kerry's exact position in 2004 when he got skewered from the right?

Not quite. Because Giuliani also says this: It would be ‘alright' if a judge upheld Roe v. Wade, but it would also be ‘alright' if a ‘strict constructionist' judge struck it down. At the end of the day, doesn't that simply mean he doesn't have an opinion on the matter? That ain't gonna fly in the Republican primaries, Rudy. Good luck with it though. I'll be anxious to see exactly how you end up getting upside-down crucified on an 80-foot stack of bibles and creepy pro-life pamphlets.

Also, Republicans need a candidate they can idolize. Don't believe me? Look at Ronald Reagan. That man is so idolized by the Republican Party that if his reanimated zombie corpse ran against Rudy, it wouldn't even be close. Zombie Reagan would win in a landslide and the party would be forced to reconsider its position on brain-eating.

In 2000, when Bush played ‘Reagan Dress-Up,' Republicans bought it. No doubt this makeover was quite a feat. After all, scarcely anyone pointed out that Bush was raised in Maine, graduated from Andover and Yale, and was featured as Mr. July in the niche beefcake calendar "Effete WASPs of New England" in '74, '75, and '77.

Even Karl Rove can't "Reaganize" Giuliani. He is a bald, squirrelly-looking New Yorker with a lisp. He doesn't exactly cut the dashing figure a Republican looks for when deciding how they will vote. He has no "swagger." Unfortunately for Rudy, all the ginormous belt buckles and ten-gallon hats in the world can't change that.

Another obstacle facing the candidacy of Mayor Giuliani is his marriage situation. He's been married three times. While that might not sound like much, that's two more times than is acceptable by any stretch of the Republican imagination. I mean, fuck, the Cleaver family from "Leave it to Beaver" would be considered a long shot because of June Cleaver's skimpy full-length apron and her recipe for apple brown betty that leaves virtually nothing to the imagination. What a hussy-fied skank.

And finally, let's face it; he has a goofy fucking name. Unless the job was guiding my sleigh tonight, I wouldn't trust someone named Rudolph to do anything.

Justin's Rudy Giuliani Fun-Fact: Giuliani and his first wife ended their marriage after finding out that they were second cousins. There's no joke there; I just thought it was pretty gross.

Governor Mitt Romney - Speaking of multiple marriages, Mitt Romney is the only Mormon candidate for president.

He certainly looks the part of the president. In fact, if Bill Pullman wasn't available, any casting director in Hollywood would love to cast Romney in the role.

Mitt faces a few hurdles on his way to the Presidential nomination. First, he has flip-flopped harder than the footwear bearing its name. He used to be pro-choice. He is now pro-life. He once said that he was to the left of Ted Kennedy on gay rights. Now he wants to burn queers at the stake (my words, not his).

This begs the question: Who is the real Romney? The bland, ambitious Massachusetts liberal, or the bland, ambitious Reagan Republican?

Also, he has only been hunting a couple of times in his life. This may not seem like a disqualifier to a rational person, but conservative Republicans are very different. They want to know that their candidates have Bambi's head mounted in their rumpus room. (By the way, another difference between Republicans and Democrats - Republicans know what a ‘rumpus room' is.)

Romney got himself into a bit of trouble when he professed to enjoy hunting. He later had to clarify by saying that he has, a couple of times in his life hunted small rodents, or ‘varmints' but had never been ‘big game hunting.' Excellent choice of words, Mitt. Because nothing says ‘tough' quite like ‘varmints.' When he said that, you could almost hear a collective, nationwide Republican sigh that seemed to whistle through the trees, "pusssyyyyyyy."

Justin's Governor Romney Fun-Fact: Ironically, Romney, the only Mormon candidate, is the only Republican frontrunner who has been married only once.

Senator John McCain - A Senator from the (sort of) great state of Arizona, John McCain's campaign slogan seems to be "Because nothing says ‘Republican' like a sad old man." I've heard his campaign staff also kicked around "Hey you, get off my lawn!"

John McCain seems to have lost some of his thunder from the 2000 presidential election that captured the imaginations of so many. He seems older, slower, more resigned to his fate of ending up an old, slow man. At a whopping 70 years old, he looks more the part of your crotchety neighbor who wouldn't give you your Frisbee back than the leader of the free world.

Maybe one of the reasons he looks so dejected is that he has hinged all of his presidential hopes on Iraq going well. Looks like he picked the wrong horse in this race... Back late last year, when the country was debating what we should be doing about our foundering mission in Iraq, McCain had the brilliant idea of sending more troops.

Here's what I can surmise from this numb-nutted political gamble: McCain never thought that additional troops would be sent while the country was clamoring for an end to the war. Then when Iraq went down in flames, he could claim, ‘See, I told you, we should have sent more troops.' Presto! McCain is the man with the plan that could have saved Iraq. McCain was essentially hedging his bets that no one would be boneheaded enough to follow this advice. Unfortunately for him, he underestimated the thickness of the President's skull.

He also seems to have sold out his ‘maverick' status from 2000. His appeal in 2000 was largely that he bucked the Republican establishment. From campaign finance reform to the religious right, McCain never bowed to the righty special interests that defined the Republican machine. Speaking from his now-legendary ‘Straight Talk Express', he once called members of the Religious Right ‘agents of intolerance.' Now that's some refreshingly straight talk!

In 2006, McCain had a slight change of heart about these ‘agents of intolerance.' Turns out the people that blamed September 11^th on boys kissing aren't intolerant after all! Here's what happened: After seeing how these ‘agents of intolerance' delivered Bush the presidency in 2000 and 2004, McCain decided to ditch the ‘Straight Talk Express' to take a round-trip on the ‘Foot-In-Mouth Tank Engine.' Stay tuned. I fully expect this rusted out tank engine to burst into flames sometime this summer. And for those of you who don't follow this locomotive metaphor, the tank engine represents the McCain campaign. The flames are everything else in the world.

Even after making nice with the party nutbars, like Jerry Falwell (yeah, I know he just died, but this is no time for good taste!), Pat Robertson, and the newly hetero Ted "the Hag" Haggard, McCain doesn't seem to be making any traction with true-blue (so to speak) conservatives. So McCain has lost his anti-establishment appeal by sucking up to the establishment, but the establishment still doesn't trust him. Ouch. Looks like you should have given those magic beans a test drive before you traded your political integrity for them, Senator.

Oh well, there's always "The Surreal Life."

Justin's Senator McCain Fun-Fact: Carbon dating and various archaeological data suggest that John McCain may have been the first human being to walk upright. He's old, I tell ya!

Former Senator Fred Thompson - That dude was the bomb in "Hunt For Red October." This makes him the most qualified person in the Republican field. The End.

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46 Comments

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dillivered

This one was better than the last. But the Republicans are always a lot more fun to pick on. There is just so much material. Written on 16/6/07

My Comment:

Bodero

While not as pedantic and worshipping as the previous segment, this article was still a net drain on IQ points. Since "The Republican mind is still a mystery to" you, let me educate you.

Since you picked the three candidates I like least, and only offered a short blurb on the 44th President of the United States, I don't have much to go on except your blind swaths of inaccuracies.

Rudy Giuliani - I don't have much to add since I disagree with him on every issue. Your mockery of the Conservative position is noted.

Mitt Romney -
I understand you got this right at the end, but you still had to slander an entire religion (which swore off polygamy around the time Americans swore off slavery) as well as a candidate with the first sentence:
Speaking of multiple marriages, Mitt Romney is the only Mormon candidate for president.
Again, as you know, he's only been married once.

John McCain -
Maybe one of the reasons he looks so dejected is that he has hinged all of his presidential hopes on Iraq going well. Looks like he picked the wrong horse in this race... Back late last year, when the country was debating what we should be doing about our foundering mission in Iraq, McCain had the brilliant idea of sending more troops.
So many fallacies...
Like: Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi were both for the troop surge up to the point when President Bush decided to do it. Basically, you libs are the same: you don't want to win the war, you want to score political points. Winning or losing Iraq is of no matter to you, it's all about getting elected in 2008, a disgusting position but one you libs were in before. I could go on about Iraq but pointing out hypocricies is the most fun because it shows how you guys' positions turn to match potential votes.

Unfortunately for him, he underestimated the thickness of the President's skull.
Another disgusting slight of our Commander in Chief in the time of war. Of course, you libs have no problem believing this 'thick-skulled' man devised and carried out the 9/11 attacks to execute a pre-planned attack on Saddam Hussein!

He also seems to have sold out his ‘maverick' status from 2000. His appeal in 2000 was largely that he bucked the Republican establishment. From campaign finance reform to the religious right
The anti-free speech Bipartisan Campaign Finance Act was in 2002. Not sure what you mean by "religious right" and McCain's bucking of them.

It's obvious why Rudy and McCain got so much play in the early months before the conservatives start picking their candidate: they are media darlings. The media have preconceived winners in their mind of who they want to win the nomination, so they get the most play. Once we pick Fred as our nominee, the drive-by media will go back to highlighting democrats non-stop.

Preemptive strike: Al Gore criticizes Bush for ignoring Iraq's ties to terrorism. Written on 17/6/07

My Comment:

jtspicer

You do understand these articles are supposed to be humorous, yes?

Fred Thompson will fizzle out soon after entering the race. His work ethic is highly suspect. Why do you think he didn't make it in the Senate? Just so I'm not mincing words here, I want to be quite clear: He is a lazy fuck.

Also, you need to relax about the Mormon thing. Again, it was a JOKE.

The 'anti-free speech' McCain Feingold bill might have been in 2002, but that doesn't change the fact that McCain was advocating for campaign finance reform in 2000, much to the chagrin of many Republicans like yourself. You'll notice that I never said McCain Feingold had been passed in 2000.

As for Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, they can both suck my balls. I am against the war in Iraq and am against any escalation of the war. Written on 17/6/07

My Comment:

Bodero

Why do you think [Thompson] didn't make it in the Senate?
"Didn't make it?" He did not seek re-election in 2002 because his daughter died in January.

McCain was advocating for campaign finance reform in 2000, much to the chagrin of many Republicans like yourself.
It's just too bad that President Bush signed away our first amendment rights and the activists on the Supreme Court decided to uphold this garbage law.

As for Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, they can both suck my balls. I am against the war in Iraq and am against any escalation of the war.
Easy position to take if you choose to ignore what happens outside our borders. Of course, the 'in' thing to be in lib politics is to be for stopping the genocide in Darfur. How do these libs plan on stopping that? Dropping leaflets? Written on 17/6/07

My Comment:

dillivered

*Sigh* Written on 17/6/07

My Comment:

Bodero

I appreciate your well-reasoned and obviously well-thought out reply. While I disagree with some of the points you made, it is great that you can speak with such civility, because, in the end, we are all Americans. Thanks once again for your thoughtful composure. Written on 17/6/07

My Comment:

jtspicer

I thought Dillivered's reply said it all. Concise, profound, and sincere. Attawaytogo! Written on 17/6/07

My Comment:

jtspicer

I heard that Written on 17/6/07

My Comment:

gabrielle

The president of the US is supposedly the leader of the leader of the free world yet the free world doesn't get to vote. As for me, I hope Obama wins.

Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité.
'Nuf said. Written on 17/6/07

My Comment:

Bodero

The president of the US is supposedly the leader of the leader of the free world yet the free world doesn't get to vote.

Sure you did - you voted to be irrelevant in world politics. Try again. Nice to see one country (France) gets this now. Written on 17/6/07

My Comment:

blitzhund

You show your absolute ignorance regarding international politics with the above statement. The French far right makes the American Democrats look like right-wing nutjobs. Written on 18/6/07

My Comment:

Bodero

I know this. My point was that they had the choice of going far left or far right of where they are now. Guess which route they took. That their right is nearly socialism to Americans is irrelevant to my point. Written on 18/6/07

My Comment:

gabrielle

The president of the US is supposedly the leader of the leader of the free world yet the free world doesn't get to vote. As for me, I hope Obama wins.

Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité.
'Nuf said. Written on 17/6/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

Let's stop replying to Bodero and then maybe he'll fuck off. Written on 17/6/07

My Comment:

bgkimzey

Bodero,

Sean Hannity wants his book jacket back. Written on 18/6/07

My Comment:

jtspicer

Sean Hannity can read and write? Between brushing his hair and slobbing Reagan's knob, I never thought he would have had the time to learn. Written on 18/6/07

My Comment:

ScottWill

Well put. Written on 18/6/07

My Comment:

Bodero

Silly me, assuming I could get civil discourse with a group of libs. Written on 18/6/07

My Comment:

jtspicer

Oh, I see. "Pedantic" is Conservatese for "civil discourse." And I thought you were trying to insult me. I apologize for not realizing you were simply trying to engage me in constructive dialog. You fucking idiot. Written on 18/6/07

My Comment:

ScottWill

1 Million Gold Stars Written on 18/6/07

My Comment:

dillivered

Not everyone that thinks you're an idiot is a liberal. Most people in this country swing right to left, left to right, depending on the issue. I happen to be one of those because I actually use my brain to find compromises that work for this country instead of sticking to my un-enlightened convictions. I think both parties need work, and there isn't a single extremist on the planet that I can stomach. I think you're a jackass. How's that? Written on 19/6/07

My Comment:

Bodero

Ahh yes, I love you guys. The ones who are "above the fray" because they don't have strong convictions rooted in consistent beliefs. That you 'swing from side to side' makes you a jackass. I have more respect for the horribly wrong KosNuts than you, because at least their philosophy is consistent. Written on 19/6/07

My Comment:

dillivered

You have no talent for logic. That's why you have "beliefs" in the first place. When in doubt, it's because Jesus said or your Daddy told you so. Again. I don't fall into a particular category because I am intelligent enough to place an issue in the proper context and sort out data objectively. I am not in some desperate ideological battle that only makes sense to the very dense, so yes I am above the fray. The fray is what is making America weak...and you're nose hair deep in it. Most of the great leaders that changed the world when it needed changing were "inconsistent," as you define it. You're just not that smart. So you don't get it. And that's fine, for now. Written on 19/6/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

Delivered, I agree with you, but dude - you're beating your head against a thick, brick wall. Written on 20/6/07

My Comment:

Bodero

I had planned on responding to your elitist, condescending post, but it would be a waste of my time as you're clearly not intelligent enough to understand. Continue to brand my actions and ideologies as motivated by Jesus or Daddy, and not a strong-rooted belief in the United States Constitution and 200 years of proven tradition. Thank me for my post. Written on 20/6/07

My Comment:

sportrider

The sun going round the earth was 200+ years of proven tradition before Galileo had a look see for himself. We all know how that turned out. Written on 20/6/07

My Comment:

Bodero

Scientific theories are not even comparable to sociology. Written on 20/6/07

My Comment:

sportrider

Dunno. The church seemed to be a pretty important political figure during those times... Written on 20/6/07

My Comment:

dillivered

Good job wasting your time. I think it's pretty cool when people contradict themselves right at the start of a post. The constitution is and always has been open to interpretation...and it always has been a battle ground...and the battle itself always has been a changing thing. You don't want it to change apparently. Fine though, I'll pretend I'm an elitist even though the majority of Americans are ready to shred both wings the same way I am. I think that makes me more of a populist than anything doesn't it? Tradition is for culture...not law. By the way. Existence doesn't prove success. Tomorrow does. But if you're so convinced about the system, how in the hell can you support the administration if you fully understand how Cheney and Rumsfeld went about corrupting and breaking it just to get us into the war in the first place? They CREATED powers for themselves that their offices traditionally NEVER had, and in this case, that change was not a good thing. You probably don't have a clue. I do, but Jane seems to be hinting that I may be causing myself irreperable brain damage. Apparently you are a thick brick wall. I'm taking her implied advice and dropping this right here. Written on 20/6/07

My Comment:

fatback

I'm for Fred Thompson because (his acting in Die Hard 2 and HFRO notwithstanding) his accent is way more accurate than either of the Georges Bush. Plus I think he established his stance on capital punishment and abortion on episodes 18, 19, and 21 of Law & Order 2 seasons ago. Now if only Abby Carmichael would come back....our troubles in Iraq would be over. Written on 18/6/07

My Comment:

Bodero

Loving me is easy. Written on 18/6/07

My Comment:

Isis

too funny, you actually chose a pic of Rush Limbaugh, or is that Jerry Falwell? Written on 18/6/07

My Comment:

Fluxx

Ok, note to self: Limit comment indent some. Written on 18/6/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

Bodero, dude, this is a lighthearted website where we write and publish drivel. Don't take it so seriously; it's not worth your time and stress. Written on 18/6/07

My Comment:

Wang

Might be less about taking this light-heartedly than about flexing his far superior political knowledge! Written on 18/6/07

My Comment:

jtspicer

is your name really peter wang? Written on 22/6/07

My Comment:

sportrider

I say Bodero's comments be posted as an seperate article. They're only slightly less funny than the article.

Hey bodero, what do you think of Lewis Black? Written on 18/6/07

My Comment:

amonK

driv·el
/ˈdrɪvəl/ [driv-uhl] -eled, -el·ing or (especially British) -elled, -el·ling.

–noun

1. saliva flowing from the mouth, or mucus from the nose; slaver.

2. childish, silly, or meaningless talk or thinking; nonsense; twaddle.

Anything on a website with a title that means "twaddle" cannot be taken so seriously. Written on 19/6/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

Republicans can take Comedy Central seriously. Written on 19/6/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

More. Posts. From. Justin. Spicer. Written on 20/6/07

My Comment:

jtspicer

Wow, this post-battle has really gone beyond the article. It's like 'smear the queer' except the queer is Bodero. And Bodero probably can't stand queers. Irony anyone? Hope I didn't disappoint, Rebecca. Written on 20/6/07