OVER-ZEALOUS AMERICAN FOOTBALL FANS
There is no reason to deify anyone whose job it is to catch a ball. Seriously, people catch balls everyday and because someone gets overpaid to catch a ball is even more reason to NOT deify them. They're paid to catch a ball. I would understand if the ball was caught by a scientist on the brink of creating cold fusion – that would be amazing – to simultaneously make cold fusion a reality AND catch a 40 yard pass, but by itself catching a ball is mundane. When the postperson delivers mail as they are paid to do, nobody gathers around the mailbox to cook hotdogs and get drunk over the event. Good job postperson, you delivered that bill to the correct address like it was your job! WOOO!
PEOPLE WHO THINK THEIR KIDS OR GRANDKIDS ARE THE GREATEST THING SINCE THE MOON MISSION
I'm sorry, but no child is so awesome that anyone should be subjected to a list of mediocre tasks and common accomplishments said child has done by any member of the child's relatives. I understand the parental pride that comes with having children, but not everyone gives a rat's ass, especially when the parent is talking about getting an A in art. If at 7 little Billy sculpted a perfect replica of Michelangelo's David, then I'd be amazed, but making an ashtray from Play-Doh... not so much.
FUN SIZE CANDY BARS
What a bunch of crap! If things that are small were actually fun, then I'd have more dates. What they've done is take a full sized candy bar and break it in half, wrap it individually, and charge you the same price as a bag of the big bars. Now, I understand the concept – they're fun because you put them in a bowl to share at a fun gathering, but again – it's really not the bar itself that is fun. Therefore, not only have they mis-marketed the bar, but I revert to my original point of anything that size isn't really fun. If you don't believe me, ask any woman if they'd consider a "fun size" penis appealing.
WORDS ENDING IN "Z"
Let's get real here people – Kids, Dogs, and Balls end with an "s", not a "z". the sooner we admit this to ourselves and recognize that it's not cool to spell anything that way, the better off we'll all be. This annoyance is similar to the "fun size" issue I've been having. The "z" is added to be cute (though originally it was added because a bunch of uneducated rappers thought it would make them stand out – and it did – like idiots, they stood out), and because it appeals to the younger crowd. However, the more I look at it the more I have to question my education.
THE 80's
I lived them, and had to suffer through what that decade called "music." Recently there has been some kind of secret 80's revival. Neon colors, black and white stripes, and I've noticed an increasing number of mullets springing up. The mullet is where I draw the line. There are only a handful of people who can really ever get away with a mullet:
Steven Segall –Anyone who can single handedly take over a train, plane, and boat is allowed to wear a mullet in my book.
Chuck Norris – ‘nuff said. The Incredible Hulk – I'll take his word on the whole not liking him when he's angry. I'll allow the mullet.
David Bowie – Somehow he pulled off ingenious experimental music AND a mullet... I soon expect to see Bugle Boy and Cotler back in fashion... Christ on a stick...wtf?
Aside from that, companies feel that now is the time to recreate some of the 80's more failed products:
Slinky - It's a fucking spring. It wasn't fun then, and it isn't fun now. Seriously, how do you get more than 15 seconds of entertainment of a metal coil falling down a flight of stairs? Push a person down a flight of stairs, it's funnier.
My Little Pony - The original ponies had a scratch 'n sniff ass. Usually it would smell like flowers (oddly) or some kind of candy (odder still). Today, it smells like plastic. Everyone knows a horse's ass smells nothing like flowers or candy, but at least they've dropped that old ruse with the modern ones. Instead they've stepped it up and created male ponies.
Easy Bake Oven - 20 years ago little kids got to burn the hell out themselves on a 40 watt light bulb AND overcook delicious pastries. Modern Easy bake ovens have undergone no evolutionary change. Kids still burn themselves, the food is overcooked, and the mix is still expensive as hell. I've found it more educational and cost effective to use a real oven. If the kids burn themselves on a real over, well...that's their fault and they'll be sure to listen when they're told not to play with the oven. As far as cost effectiveness goes, the price of an Easy Bake oven packet of cake mix costs as much as a regular ass Duncan Hines box of cake mix.
Dolls - in the 80's they introduced that marketing idea of buying your doll some friends. 20 years later we are buying our friends. It worked then and it works now... but it's a lot harder to do with real money and real friends.
Cartoons - Old GI Joe depicted characters dying, and war going on - the cartoon was great aside from horrible dialog and unlikly moral situations. However, the new GI Joe cartoons that are aired in a time where there is more violence on the news and during a period where there is a REAL war going on, has no one getting hurt. It's as if somehow the characters settles the dispute off screen through some fucked up form of peer mediation.
NEW SCHOOL NIRVANA FANS
Kurt Cobain is dead. Deal with it. I get tired of seeing teenage girls cry their eyes out over his death. These same girls were in kindergarten when Kurt lobbed a volley of shotgun pellets into his brain through his mouth. He was dead before they knew who he was, and now suddenly they have this emotional suffering because he's dead. The guy had zero impact on your personal life, and chances are you have zero idea on what NIRVANA really was about and why they were popular. I wonder if they are aware of Nirvana albums OTHER THAN "Nevermind," like "Incesticide"?
EMO ANYTHING
These are the only fuck sticks that I have anything in common with. I want them to die just as much as they do. Maybe it's the haircut. Maybe it's the relentless forlorn and forsaken outcry of a misunderstood and misdirected loser dressed in a mish mash of borrowed styles gone wrong. Whatever it is, they need to go. Someone needs to seriously start killing these people so they can understand that what they want isn't all it's cut out to be. Besides, it seems that half of them sit and whine about how some girl doesn't love them anymore and go on about how their heart is now forever blackened by the enduring pain of their loss.
You know what? Shut the fuck up, stop whining and get a goddamned clue. No, really... maybe if they stopped shopping at Hot Topic, stealing their sister's make up and pants, and rocking hairstyles from Twisted Sister and Flock of Seagulls they might figure out the solution to their problem – but no – they'd rather sit back like lazy worthless bastards and whine about it. Even that's not enough; they've got to promote ‘bands' that churn out album upon album dedicated to the same damn whining about the same damn thing.
MAC ZEALOTS
Fine. I admit that Apple computers are useable and marginally entertaining (yet hypnotically alluring). However, I'm not convinced that for my money I get the best PC experience I can buy. Any computer that I've overpaid for to underuse isn't a deal. A company that tells me that I can do anything on a Windows system as long as I do it the Apple way is full of shit. No, I'm not a Windows fan boy (actually I'm a Linux lover), but I prefer Windows over OSX. Mac zealots can't get through their head that "think different" isn't the same as "wrong if you disagree." I can't count the number of Mac fanbodies that have shot their mouth off at when I explain that a Mac, while more secure, is more secure because it saves you from yourself. For a system that hypes itself on freedom, they've done one hell of a job of locking you out of your own house. Pull your heads out of your asses because I'm tired of doing it for you.
FENG SHUEI
I really hate to be the one to have to tell certain people that rearranging furniture isn't going to make them more or less lucky. It will, however, make them a dumbass for paying a lot of money to have furniture in really bad spots in ugly colors.
People do this with the idea that somehow paying someone to move a chair will magically bring more money to their home. Here's a tip: Move the fuckin' chair yourself and don't pay someone to do it. A penny saved is a penny earned.
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