Mississippi: 51st in everything

Published on 9/7/07 in Culture

Ranking 51st is fitting for the only third-world state in the union.

Yesterday, my wife and I spent three hours driving through Mississippi en route to Texas and realized we couldn't tell which housing FEMA provided and which trailers were purchased with bad personal credit.

Yes, Mississippi sucks. Merely looking at a map of the U.S. makes it hard to gauge just how crappy this state really is -- one needs to dig deeper, beyond lackluster test scores and the single largest collection of interstate potholes that would put any former Soviet backwater to shame.

Once inside its state line, one needs less than a minute to understand why Mississippi will never rank higher than 51^st in anything that matters. How can Mississippi rank lower than 50^th in any intellectually honest poll? Simple. As an unincorporated territory of the United States, even Puerto Rico has to be better than Mississippi in any category that ranks states from best to worst.

Sure, Mississippi might have the most historians still writing that the Civil War was an internal squabble over economics (a number 1 ranking for sure). But having the most C-student historians in any subject isn't cause to call in sick and head to the closest pond with a pound of live bait for some celebratory fishing. Counting the number of confederate flag stickers claiming "heritage over racism" was a fun exercise until we lost count.

As we sped through the state in a rented Pontiac Vibe (real Detroit muscle), the biggest shock came when we stumbled upon an NPR affiliate while aimlessly searching the radio for anything other than country music and songs about freedom costing more than $1.09. We were overjoyed to hear some intelligent programming and wondered aloud how Mississippi Public Broadcasting found enough in-state members to fund the station. We were genuinely stumped.

Then we lost the signal and realized it must've been a fluke. We were probably picking up NPR thanks to all the aluminum litter dotting the interstate.

So we settled on a country station and catalogued the varying homespun clichés country music relies on. We found only five variations on a theme, all of which seemed to resonate with every family of five stuffed into the single cab pickup trucks passing us, which are: finding your faith after a life changing event, getting your first truck, losing your virginity on a dirt road, imbibing delicious light beer that makes you do things you later regret, and rabid patriotism without need for questioning anything but your gut feeling. Each song sung over the same slide guitar with the kind of twang that is as exaggerated as a Matthew Lesko infomercial hawking government grant money.

However, the country music proved to score the rest of our trip quite well. We found each successive town to be a better backdrop than the previous for the next Mad Max movie. Thanks to all the rust, economic desperation, obvious class/race oppression, and other familiar thematic elements, Mississippi should have a corner on any future dystopian movie that Hollywood produces.

It wasn't all bad and we even managed to find a few positives. Mississippi provides cut-rate muffler and radiator service. And if you need to buy or sell used tires, this is the state for you.

That's about it, though. Ranking 51^st is fitting for the only third-world state in the union. As we crossed over the Mississippi river into Louisiana, we wondered where it would fall in the scheme of state rankings. We quickly agreed it was at least 50^th.

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Bodero

NPR affiliate ... We were overjoyed to hear some intelligent programming

It's tough being the smartest person in the world, isn't it? Don't you just wish everyone realized how brilliant you are as often as you do? Written on 9/7/07

My Comment:

bgkimzey

It is hard to argue that NPR is not more intelligent than country music. Written on 10/7/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

She thanks mah tracterr's sexay... Written on 11/7/07

My Comment:

covok48

This has got to be the stupidest, whitewashed, elitest crap I've ever read. And contrary to the intellectual snobbery exhibited on this post I feel dumber for reading it. Written on 9/7/07

My Comment:

e-train

So both of you hicks must be from Mississippi. Thank God that these aren't audio posts because I'm sure that we wouldn't be able to understand a single redneck word that came out of your scatter-toothed mouths. Written on 10/7/07

My Comment:

Bodero

Your avatar is very fitting.

Anyway, it's funny that you libs preach how stereotypes are a BAD THING when it's against the muslim terrorists or alcoholic homeless people, but when it's against a group that's largely conservative, you march right forth with your stereotypical ignorance. Really, I shouldn't have expected any more from you leftist pukes. It'd be more humorous if it wasn't so sad that pathetic pukehards like you get a vote. Written on 10/7/07

My Comment:

bgkimzey

I think the redneck stereotype has legs of its own:

http://summerredneckgames.com/photos/

Southern nimrods don’t need any help when it comes to crafting their own PR campaign.
Written on 10/7/07

My Comment:

ScottWill

Wow Bodero. You usually try so hard to convince everyone of your intelligence and the cogency of your political arguments. I doubt you'll ever be able to claim any sense of egalitarian, logical or merit-based political sensibility after that little tirade:

"I shouldn't have expected any more from you leftist pukes. It'd be more humorous if it wasn't so sad that pathetic pukehards like you get a vote."

You are the worst kind of hypocrite. A hateful, two-faced and bigoted elitist who backs up your twisted world view with jingoistic ideology and rhetoric rather than humanistic thought or progressive solutions.

If you comment back, don't expect a reply, I'm done with you. You don't back up your own claims and fail to respond to those of others with anything but vitriol and hate-speech. There's no humor or irony in your reading or contribution to this site...you literally go out of your way to demean people and deliberately misinterpret the material herein to facilitate your own blowhard beatification of an indefensible set of talking points and slurs.

I'm not going to ban you from the site because I believe in free speech, but I will exercise my own by saying I do not appreciate your humorless and insulting presence here and I wish you'd go away. Written on 10/7/07

My Comment:

Bodero

You usually try so hard to convince everyone of your intelligence and the cogency of your political arguments. I doubt you'll ever be able to claim any sense of egalitarian, logical or merit-based political sensibility after that little tirade

I do when I am to expect a logical discourse in return. An egotistical junk article like this does not merit one, merely a clear spelling out of how hypocritical you libs are.

You are the worst kind of hypocrite.

Funny, considering what I pointed out in my previous post.

A hateful, two-faced and bigoted elitist who backs up your twisted world view with jingoistic ideology and rhetoric rather than "humanistic thought" or "progressive solutions".

I was going to comment on the irony of you posting that on this thread, an epitome of acceptable hate-speech for you libs, but I'll instead focus on your 'feel-good' prases that I emboldened. What exactly is an 'humanistic thought' or a 'progressive solution?' Sounds like something Ted Kennedy would propose that would involve a huge tax increase, big government, and the lack of personal responsibility - a lib trifecta!

You don't back up your own claims and fail to respond to those of others with anything but vitriol and hate-speech. There's no humor or irony in your reading or contribution to this site...you literally go out of your way to demean people and deliberately misinterpret the material herein to facilitate your own blowhard beatification of an indefensible set of talking points and slurs.

First of all, I take big offense in people who are actively undermining my country. But I always reply with civility when there is a poster that merits it. Mr. Spicer, while completely wrong in everything he believes, is usually up for a civil debate. You apparently would rather kick and scream about how I am being hateful to a cowardly elitist puke who thinks he is better than an entire state of people.

I'm not going to ban you from the site because I believe in free speech, but I will exercise my own by saying I do not appreciate your humorless and insulting presence here and I wish you'd go away.

And I'm just going to remind you to vote on Wednesdays. Written on 10/7/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

Actively undermining YOUR country? I didn't know we lived in the United States of Bodero. That sounds craptastic. Written on 10/7/07

My Comment:

Bodero

I abide the Constitution. What say you? Written on 10/7/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

I say you're a ball licker. Written on 11/7/07

My Comment:

bgkimzey

Bodero,

In what way does this post make me a cowardly elitist puke? Just because I have distaste for a genre of music doesn’t mean I hate America. I know plenty of conservatives who think country music blows. And that racism is bad. I'm certainly not an elitist puke because I think people driving around with racist emblems are in denial over the success of the Civil Rights Movement, right? What about my caricature of Mississippi makes me a cowardly elitist puke? Oh, right, I mentioned NPR.

What makes you think this is a site exclusively for liberals? It is a humor website. People don’t come here for the politics, except you.
Written on 11/7/07

My Comment:

Bodero

In what way does this post make me a cowardly elitist puke? Just because I have distaste for a genre of music doesn’t mean I hate America.

I like how you wanted to direct readers to think I was criticizing your music tastes. I could care less if you like country or not; I wasn't commenting on it (in fact, I wasn't commenting to you period). But if you want to pretend I was, here's how it could apply to you:

I’m proudly bigoted towards racists who drive around singing and talking about patriotism and yet praise a confederacy – contradiction is high comedy. Ignorance isn’t an incurable disease.

Clearly you weren't talking about country music, but an entire swath of people for which they have pride in a less federalist United States. You can try to draw any amount of racism into it to make yourself look better and simultaneously ignore the real reasons people cling to the confederate flag.

I'm certainly not an elitist puke because I think people driving around with racist emblems are in denial over the success of the Civil Rights Movement, right?

Again, assuming the Confederacy was about racism. While it is true that Confederate Vice-President Alexander Stephens claimed that was his rationale, the Confederate President Jefferson Davis claimed the opposite - states' rights. A principle still held by many (but by no means all) conservatives today. That you want to tie all people into the former, rather than the latter, represents ignorance on your part.

What makes you think this is a site exclusively for liberals?

I have been told before that this site is for a bunch of Seattle libs by the site owners. I don't mind, I'm just trying to inject common sense, balance, and a sense of Pro-America into this site.

It is a humor website. People don’t come here for the politics, except you.

You must be new here. Almost all of the articles have some sort of Jihad against capitalism, sometimes more subliminal than others. If you really want to read a Soviet-style dissertation on the one-sided benefits of Communism, read jtspicer's articles. Written on 11/7/07

My Comment:

bgkimzey

Bodero,

I’m not assuming the Confederacy was about racism. I’m telling you that it was about racism – and the right to own another person. You gloss over the primary issue (the legality of slave ownership in the U.S.) and say it was a cut and dry case of state’s rights versus the federal government. What was at issue was the states wanting to own and sell slaves, and the rest of the nation telling them that that practice would no longer be acceptable. That was the issue.

You’re a simpleton, so let’s break it down. If one group of people (the confederate south) thinks they are better than another group of people (the slaves), and think they should be able to own them, how is that not a clear cut case of racism? When the Federal government said, “Hey, no more owning people for your economic gain,” the southern racist slave owners said, “Forget you, we’ll form a confederacy!” Sure, the federal government was making the decision to abolish slavery for them, but it was the right decision. How do you miss this point?

And there is nothing anti-American about this site. If your mission is to be the flag-bearer of common sense, you’ve failed with every comment you’ve posted. I’ve read this site for a while (and posted a few articles) and none of the articles have “some sort of jihad against capitalism.” Bodero, simply put, you’re a dipshit.

By the way, people cling to the confederate flag because they are ignorant, ignoble assholes.
Written on 11/7/07

My Comment:

Bodero

You gloss over the primary issue (the legality of slave ownership in the U.S.) and say it was a cut and dry case of state’s rights versus the federal government. What was at issue was the states wanting to own and sell slaves, and the rest of the nation telling them that that practice would no longer be acceptable.

So how is this issue any different than the libs in the federal government now telling every state that you have no choice but to allow the killing of innocent unborn children? You say in retrospect that slavery is a cut and dry issue of morality - and I agree. However, I feel one day we will look back and wonder how we, as a society, allowed abortion, much in the same light as we look at slavery. However, it was about states' rights. States would recognize that slavery was wrong, nothing short of a Constitutional amendment (which was indeed passed) should have told states what they can and cannot do. Too bad no one follows the Constitution anymore (see Roe v. Wade).

But, continue framing this as a slavery issue so that you can dismiss anyone who disagrees with you. Face it, all politics is local - which is why Federalism was the best form of Government for the United States. Unfortunately, the Constitution is framed as a "living, breathing document," which it is NOT, and this is why it is disregarded by you libs (and a lot of Repugs) today. Every time Congress meets, you lose a bit of your liberties. It should have never been this way.

And Jane, I could care less. Written on 11/7/07

My Comment:

EpicQuaker

Fuckwit...Roe v. Wade may have been judicial activism trampling on legislation, and may have been poorly decided. That's open to interpretation. However, folks who also try to tear it down as a state's rights issue are just 'arguing the alternative,' as they say. Don't try to make every judgement at odds with your worldview about federalism, 'cause it cheapens the validity of federalism itself. Christ, that's like Debate 101. Written on 11/7/07

My Comment:

Bodero

However, folks who also try to tear it down as a state's rights issue are just 'arguing the alternative,' as they say.

Why? Quite frankly, it's the lesser of two evils. At least I'm not forced to allow killing babies in my state. That Vermont would actively be a baby-killer state would be their choice - a despicable choice, but something that they only force on their own people. As opposed to now. Written on 11/7/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

"At least I'm not forced to allow killing babies in my state."

I have this mental picture of some lesbian towering over Bodero, forcing him to perform abortions.

Written on 11/7/07

My Comment:

Jul 42009

Mississippi: 51st in everything

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Jul 4
2009