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Sticky

An Open Letter To Fast Food Patrons

by Sticky []
Published on 16/7/07 in Food & Drink
Things that irk fast-food workers.
Hello. It's the person known only as the "Ubiquitous Teen Working Fast Food." Pleased to meet your acquaintance. Would you like curly fries with this meeting? No? How about UPSIZING YOUR CONVERSATION FOR 40 Cents? NO? Ok. Well, there are some things that you need to learn about the godless houses of pain known as the Fast Food Juggernaut.


RULE #1: It doesn't matter what you order, it's still unhealthy.
Read it and weep. I'm sick of people ordering wraps instead of the sandwich. You're still eating the better part of 700 calories, and it gets worse when I persuade your weak minds with the tempting deal of a combo. I don't know what kind of logic you people are using, but just because you're eating something that you perceive to be healthier, you decide to order fries or mozzarella sticks or whatever with it. You might as well ordered a sandwich with all the trimmings and a giant-mega cup full of Ranch dressing to drink. Dieting is futile at a fast food joint, and the other staff and I laugh at your fruitless attempts as we drag you lower and lower in the health totem pole.


RULE #2: Restrain your fucking kids.
If you don't shut your kid the hell up, I will. I'm sick of your little yard-apes running around the drink machines and pretending to fight with the cardboard cutouts. Then they look to you for approval and they get it in the fact that you're lost in our giant smorgasboard of sewage, which continues in a vicious cycle. Your kids are there to become fat, listless, and lethargic like you. Tell them to find a seat and if they make one sound you'll wring their necks. I might be tempted to give you an unofficial discount for this.


RULE #3: Stop paying in large denominations.
Unless you're actually ordering 100 dollars' worth of shitty food, don't pay with a 100 dollar bill. More often than not we're tempted to give you an intimate tour of the fryer and test the hypothesis that grease crackles when it cooks human skin. Make the payment relative. There's nothing I hate more than someone ordering a two dollar drink and paying my faceless corporation with a 20 dollar bill.


RULE #4: We hate you.
Despite the fact that we practically shout "WELCOME TO [FAST FOOD FRANCHISE]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" at the top of our lungs, we actually wish you'd turn around and leave. We would rather stand and socialize than take your order for a quarter-pounder triple whopper with a Jamocha shake and chili-cheese fries. We're getting paid six dollars and fifty cents an hour, which is only marginally higher than your fucking welfare checks.

We don't get paid enough for this shit. Go away.


Worst Regards,

Ubiquitous Teen Working Fast Food

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7 Comments

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EpicQuaker

Will
I especially love the charisma vampires masquerading as old men who give their order, pause dramatically, then add "...and a smile." As this is coming from an infrequent fast food customer, I can only imagine the circus freaks you've served. You have my sympathy. Written on 16/7/07

oceans12

Greg
And one day , you will get a grip, or die just like the pieces of flesh you conceive a baby to be. Consider your life to date, obsequious, a swirly. (That's a turd going round and round in the toilet for your challenged intellect) Written on 22/7/07

anneliese

anneliese raab
Sticky, I love you. Written on 16/7/07

fatback

Francis
I love the people who come in and order a "meatless whopper". Dude, they kill cows here. Everything is tainted. You're going to hell. Written on 17/7/07

EpicQuaker

Will
Hah...few days ago I saw someone at a local Mexican restaurant order a vegetarian burrito with no beans. WTF!? Just go buy a Boboli pizza crust, shove it down your maw, and be done with it! Written on 17/7/07

oceans12

Greg
Have you nothing better to do with your time? Beans in your ears, beans in your ears etc. God what a waste. Written on 22/7/07

oceans12

Greg
The human spirit needn't be tainted if you choose otherwise. Embrace the humor in the situation, and take from your experiences, as it will make you wise.

Confucius say, woman runs faster with dress up, than man with pants down. And that, is for you to ponder.


Written on 22/7/07

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