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Él Tiburon

I Think I Killed a Bee with My iPod Yesterday

by Él Tiburon []
Published on 16/7/07 in Animals
And I don't feel bad about it.
My drive home is brutal. San Diego is nipping at the heels of LA's infamous traffic. The only thing more annoying than sitting in stopped traffic is sitting in stopped traffic and having to listen to inane radio commercials. To combat this, I have taken to throwing in an earbud. I know it's illegal, but the stretch of the 5 between Del Mar and Mission Bay at 4:30 on a weekday is basically a copless parking lot, so I'm not too worried about being pulled over for it.

There are 2 stoplights before I get to the freeway on the way home. The lights are nice and long, so they give me time to get situated for the bumper to bumper shuffle. While sitting at the first light yesterday, I dug through my super-cool messenger bag and fished out my new iPod shuffle. (I got the orange one. Originally I got green, but that's a post for another day.)

It is important that I stop here and insert my thoughts on bees. Hate 'em. Hate 'em ever since I was stung on the face while standing on the starting block in the 3rd grade, causing me to fall into the water and get disqualified for a false start. From that day it was 'game on' for me and bees.

So there I am at the stoplight, fidgeting with my little iPod. I glanced down and discovered a giant yellow jacket on the seat in between my legs. If this wasn't alarming enough, he was marching toward my crotch. It was almost as if I was watching this little bastard advance on my junk in slow motion. Panic. If this thing stings me in the nuts, I will bail out of this car screaming with the transmission still in drive and probably make the news.

It's interesting how moments of sheer panic slow down and give you almost an advantage. In the time it took this bee to walk 3 steps, I had surmised the situation, enacted a plan and surveyed my entire car for something to kill it with. The only thing I had was my iPod. I immediately plunged my little shuffle into the seat where the bee was and yelled "Die die die!!"

Then the light turned green.

I don't know if you've ever tried to kill a bug on a cushioned surface, but they don't die right away. Their exoskeletons are extremely tough, and it usually takes a 'jam, grind, and smear' technique to make sure the deed is done. I did not have this luxury. I just had the 'jam'. The bee immediately disappeared under my ass. Now I'm trying to get through an intersection while arching my back completely off the seat and making some kind of yak mating call. It was then that I realized I had a full audience of cars around me trying to figure out why my car was shaking around and where the yak was. By the time I got to the second light, I was essentially driving my car in the passenger seat.

The bee was never recovered.

I could speculate all day about what happened to the bee. I don't think it survived the initial attack, but its whereabouts remain a mystery. Maybe it made it under the seat and is planning to pop out while I'm on my way to lunch, scream "This is for La Raza!!" and sting me in the ankle. I guess it's just a waiting game.

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18 Comments

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JBee

Jeremy
I know this is bad for your first (and probably only) comment, but... You're an idiot.

That "bee" is a wasp, as is the one that stung you, lo so many years ago at that track meet.

Bees do not sting, (unless you step on them).

Wasps/Hornets/Yellowjackets are an entirely different animal. They happen to be yellow and black insects with stingers, but there is no relation between the two. Written on 17/7/07

Mitchell

Mitchell
"That 'bee' is a wasp, as is the one that stung you, lo so many years ago at that track meet."


If that's not the pot calling the kettle black.

I'm not sure what kind of crazy track meets to attend, but I've yet to see a track meet where a racer falls off of a starting block and into the water resulting in a false start.

You're an idiot.



Written on 17/7/07

Jeranon

Jer
O.o He's an idiot?? clearly he was in a swimming competition... Written on 17/7/07

tiburonbite

Él Tiburon

@JBee

Never have I been more humbled by my clumsy semantics than the sudden and horrific realization that a misinformed insect nerd created a Drivl account just for me.

Seriously- you should consider swallowing a knife.
Written on 18/7/07

EpicQuaker

Will
Amen, brother -- I'm such a shrinking violet around bees that I just call them stingdemons. Not sure what genus I should classify them under, as demons aren't exclusive to any one phylum. See: iPod battery, Verizon, Cheney. Written on 18/7/07

gizza2

Greg Smith
From Bill Maher's blog

"Here's a quote from Albert Einstein: "if the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe, then man would have only four years of life left. No more bees, no more pollination, no more plants, no more animals, no more man." Well, guess what? The bees are disappearing. In massive numbers. All around the world. And if you think I'm being alarmist and that, "Oh, they'll figure out some way to pollinate the plants..." No, they've tried. For a lot of what we eat, only bees work. And they're not working. They're gone. It's called Colony Collapse Disorder, when the hive's inhabitants suddenly disappear, and all that's left are a few queens and some immature workers."

Scary. I love it when I see bees because that means we have at least four years left to live.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-maher/the-birds-the-bees-and_b_46410.html Written on 17/7/07

Craysh

Craysh
@JBee
Who cares. It's something that stings and the common vernacular is a "bee."
If you have some "bee ancestry" and you're pissed off about the stereotype then go ahead, otherwise don't take it personal, but I have indeed been stung by a bee before and no, I didn't step on it.

@gizza2
Every major food grower in the WORLD uses artificial pollination. It's not rocket science.
Search google for "artificial pollination" and you'll see.
Besides that, bee's aren't the only thing in the world that pollinates plants.
Though the hives do seem to be diminishing, the only real impact to humans will be a lack of honey. The environment is a different story. Written on 17/7/07

walterioiii

walt
I couldn't stop laughing while I read this, even though my wife was explaining something to me I just turned to her and laughed right at her, I couldn't help it. The look she gave me made me think that's the look you got from the people around you and I could do nothing but laugh harder.

One day working under my car in Miami, in the grass; In retrospect I must have I heard "This for La Raza" then nothing but pain...fire ants...I left a trail of clothes all the way to the shower. The yak was there too.
Written on 17/7/07

kc5deb

Brian
To all the boobs posting "you're an idiot" to this guy, you've apparantly never had a stinging insect biting the hell out of you while driving or riding a motorcycle. Even IF it doesn't want to sting you, it still makes you retarded trying to get the damned thing away from ya.

And I don't think he was trying to turn this into a "save the bees and stay green" blog either...

Jeez, humor is wasted on the stupid.. Written on 17/7/07

mooster

Mark Combs
Good grief...that Einstein quote is everywhere these days, isn't it? Too bad he never actually said that... Written on 18/7/07

sweetcera

Cera Crowley
that is probably the best bee story i've ever heard. (bees... wasps... whatever! they all freakin hurt!!)
Yellow Jackets are sneaking little things. One time one flew into my car on my way to work. So I park in our employee parking garage and jump out. I see this thing flying around the back window and I have all the doors of my car open, hoping that it will fly out. Well after 20 minutes of standing behind my car, hoping it'll fly out and it doesn't, I close all the car does and lock it up because I'll be late for work otherwise. The whole time I'm in work, I tell everyone about the wasp in my car and everyone's like, "It's a hot day, so it'll be dead by the time you leave here." I didn't believe them. It bothered me to have a wasp in my car buzzing around while I was sitting at my job. So my best friend, he said, "If it's still alive, which it won't be, I'll take care of it."
So 9 hours later, we get to my car. He's checking out everything in my car because I refuse to get in it until it's good and checked. He's moving around all the random things in my back seat and the red sox hat on my back window. Nothing. So we get in the car, close all the doors, I start up the car, and suddenly we hearing a buzzing. The yellow jacket comes out of hiding from behind the passenger seat behind my best friend's head. We both dove out of the car and he does his best to wrangle the yellow jacket out while I'm shaking with fear. He's like, "Ok! It's out!" We jump back in the car. "Go! Go! Go!"

We both swear to god!! That wasp was waiting for us! Written on 18/7/07

dcecil

dcecil
A lot of little baby girls are scared of bees.
I signed up just to say that.
Nice slap to the wanker-bug-knob. Written on 18/7/07

sweetcera

Cera Crowley
karma, dcecil. karma... Written on 18/7/07

dcecil

dcecil


I'm sorry Written on 18/7/07

tiburonbite

Él Tiburon
Made it 11 comments before someone called me a pussy. You guys are slippin.

BTW- shouldn't you be applying a drop shadow to something? Written on 18/7/07

JonnyP

Jon
What made this story really funny for me--and why I am leaving a comment--is the term "...marching toward my crotch." Rarely am I actually made to L-O-L from a random internet story, but you sir, have done it. Haha hilarious mental image, 'grats. Written on 19/7/07

adama

adam
i signed up specially to say that you are an idiot

"you are an idiot"

the bee was probably walking towards your crotch because you spilt your super size coke there

wow - flaming feels good Written on 20/7/07

StevenFergus

Steven
Hello,

This is the first time I've stumbled across your blog and I must say, this post made me laugh. I love your writing style and I will be sticking around to read some more of your posts.

I too don't like wasps, at all. They sting you for no reason at all.

Two small things that I think you should consider changing (sorry to say this, I have no right really):

1/ I had to register before I could post. This could turn away potential comments!

2/ I was only allows 12 characters for my user name, so I had to delete the space between my forname and surname ;) Written on 31/7/07

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