Members login Not a member yet? Sign up
Francis

I'll Put the Toilet Seat Down if You Stop Leaving Shit in My Car

by Francis []
Published on 17/7/07 in People
An open letter to my girlfriend, the leaver of shit in my car.
And now, an open letter to my girlfriend, the leaver of shit in my car:

Sweetie. You know I love you..and I'm doing my best to work on the toilet seat thing, but...

What is it about my car that makes you think that you should leave various and sundry items in it? I don't even know what sundry items are, but I guarantee you left three of them in the cup holder.

I'm not a neat freak, but I like order. A relationship is about compromise. I know that. So I'm asking for little in my direction. I've lost control of our apartment - and that was battle well fought. I no longer care that we have pillows that I can't put my face on, or towels that I can't dry my hands with, or drawers that I can't put items into nor retrieve items from. Seriously. Every drawer in the house is literally locked shut with shit. Every now and again, I dump one out and I find unimportant crap, like my old cell phone, unpaid bills that fucked up my credit, money, credits cards (useless now), and then the really important glue that holds it all together, like 75,000 earrings and bracelets, 100's of pens, pencils, and those little crayons that girls use to draw color on their eyelids, bent pictures from my childhood that are now ruined because of the FUCKING POWERADE BOTTLE WITH A HOLE IN IT?!!? But I digress... I have given up on such a petty need as wanting a place to put my shit.

However.

My car is my domain. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those gear heads who names his car (although Sheila would be a sweet name for her), but I like to run a tight ship. And my car, dear lover of mine, is my 2003 Japanese, 4-wheeled ship. I wash it and wax it by hand - because those drive through washers always leave scratches. And I vacuum and Armor-All the interior so that when I get in my car to drive to work I can feel like there is one last bastion of tidiness and order in my life. So why is it when I round a curve, detritus comes flying out of the nether regions of my interior?

I'll tell you why. Because every time you borrow the car to go do lady stuff with your girlfriends, it comes back with a cornicopia of new additions. That is, if your idea of a cornicopia is lots of useless shit that rattles when I go around curves. Take my recent inventory of the car that I found when I was cleaning it so I could take a client to lunch:

  • 4 Rubber "pony tail holders" wrapped around the gear shift, complete with your luxuriously long blond hairs pinched into the brass clamp that holds them together. If my car was CSI, that would great. But, as my commuting vehicle...not so much.
  • 7 ladies' shoes. 1 gold strappy sandal (no mate) from that set that makes your calves look great, one black pair of cute wedges for shopping in the city, 1 brown pair of high heels that you can wear with your skinny jeans, and 1 pair of flip-flops made from all natural materials that we bought in North Carolina. All of which look stunning on your feet, but make loud disconcerting noises under my seat when I slam on brakes.
  • 50 [FIFTY!] bobby pins in the passenger side arm rest cubby hole. What are these for? I thought the only people who used these were spies and burglars.
  • 1 Bottle of Pinot Noir from Oregon (empty). WTF? Do I dare even ask how that bottle got emptied? PS, I found the cork the other day wedged into the 12 volt power source socket. Nice.
  • 5 plastic recyclable bottles with liquid still in them. I wondered what the sloshing sound was when the wine bottle was banging around. Now I know.
  • 2 plastic Solo style blue cups (empty). Although one had the last bite of your Au Bon Pain Pesto sammie wrapped in a napkin. Smelled great. Really.
  • 1 grocery bag of trash and old mail from your desk at work, stuffed into my cargo net. YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT MY CARGO NET.
  • 1 US Magazine in the driver's side door panel with three overdue bills from when we lived across town. THREE YEARS AGO.
  • 1 foot section of the thing that used to be my cell phone charger cord stuck in the back door jamb of the driver's side.
  • 1 empty gas tank. EVEN THOUGH I JUST FILLED IT YESTERDAY.

P.S. I left the seat down today. I'm just gonna start sitting when I pee. Also, any idea why the phone doesn't have a dial tone?     

Tag & Vote

Technorati Technorati Tags:
relationships, cars, OCD
Social Bookmark:
Submit to Del.icio.us Submit to Digg Submit to Reddit
Vote:
 4.6 (5 votes) Login to vote

Share, it's good for you


Copy and paste the code above to post this story on your MySpace or Blog.

18 Comments

Wanna comment? Signup!

Fluxx

Jeff Pollard
Can I CC my girlfriend on this letter as well? Written on 17/7/07

fatback

Francis
You totally should. Just add in your inventory... Written on 17/7/07

Fluxx

Jeff Pollard
I have mostly the same things. Except I should include shopping bags from Anthropologie. Written on 17/7/07

sportrider

Sidharth Iyer
Get a motorcycle. Theres no room to leave shit on a motorcycle.
Alternatively you could buy a 'family car'. Written on 17/7/07

ShawnG

Shawn Gordon
My wife bitches about me leaving the toilet seat down. I've asked her why its a big deal. She tells me because if it is left up, then she'll fall in.

BAD SOLUTION: Putting the toilet seat down. This requires time and effort on my part. Plus it's a retarded idea as a solution to a problem. it's akin to saying "I have a problem that if you did all the work it would be solved".

GOOD SOLUTION: Look where you fucking sit. Yes, I understand that this is also telling someone to do that work of the problem, but it's THEIR problem to begin with. When I sit down on the toilet I never fall in, and it's thanks to the ability to look where I sit.

Now, if you're g/f is actually blind... I dunno, seeing her fall in would be kind of funny the first few hundred times.

An alternative solution is that you could leave the toilet seat up on purpose for every item of bullshit she leaves in your car. If you find 13 items, then you have 13 consecutive "toilet seat up" days to compliment it. Obviously, she's not cleaning out her shit from you car, so now you have to put forth effort on cleaning up her mess AND put a toilet seat up?

I had an old room mate that would leave his shit (literally - he had spina bifida and had colostomy bags) everywhere, especially at my computer area. My computer to me is what a car is to a hardcore mechanic. Unless you are me, you don't do shit to, with, by, for, from, in, on or around my computer. And since I'd bet my ridiculous salary that none of you are me, this means you fall into the category being someone who is prohibited from even thinking bad thoughts in the general direction of my computer. However, at this time, Doug (or "stinky" as he was aptly nicknamed) used my computer to look for jobs. He pee and poop and leave the little bags on the floor, on top of the PC, next to my keyboard... and it was gross. I got tired of it (not that I was understanding the first time I happened across a bag of stale urine). I asked him to clean it up. I asked him to leave my PC alone. He didn't listen... until I started putting those cornucopias of feces under his pillow like a reward from the poop fairy. That shit stopped real quick

Written on 17/7/07

blitzhund

William Paris
Just do what I did - institute a once a week 'clean the car out' routine. Then inform said partner/wife/gf that if she continues to leave shite laying about in your motor that it will be thrown away - on a weekly basis.

The family photos ruined by the Poweraid bottle would have been grounds for a fairly loud and violent domestic in my house. Written on 18/7/07

bizzystix

natalie gerard
She sounds like an inconsiderate pack rat
with great legs, and good taste in wine. Ask her
to quite fucking up your shit. Written on 18/7/07

oceans12

Greg
May I respectfully submit that these things are perpetual and message to all you males and once brethren, the eternal pursuit of Pussy has it's considerations. Get over the toilet seat, focus on the beauty of the lady and if she is a product of the new age women's rights, man hating, family court embracing, small minded twat influenced by her contemporary waitress with 3 kids by 2? different men, RUN FORREST! RUN! Written on 22/7/07

blitzhund

William Paris
So....bitter...so...very very...bitter Written on 23/7/07

oceans12

Greg
And a spoonful of sugah helps the medicine go doowwn....in a most delightful waaay! Written on 23/7/07

DrunkClown

Jeremy Watson
Anyone who names themselves after such a soul-crushingly shitty movie already has problems that would make Freud shoot himself.

PS 'males and once brethren'- You had a sex change? Written on 24/7/07

oceans12

Greg
Oh, kind sir you have inspired me so with your prophetic words.

Freud died a while ago.

Are ye fragile little feller? A movie can crush your soul? Watch out, life is coming around the corner and it's gonna run your preppy ass over! Hic! Written on 24/7/07

HonestSteve

Steve Rulz
My girl used to complain about me leaving the set up. Now I just pee on the floor. Written on 24/7/07

Marv

Martin Uttley
Brilliant!! The girlfriend doesn't mind the toilet seat but man does random crap in the car piss me off Written on 8/11/07

meannate

Nathan
I don't see it as a war of the sexes... it's fucking common courtesy & respect! I don't put the seat down because I RESPECT your intelligence and self awareness. Bitch!

Just kidding about the "bitch" part. But seriously, all this typing is making me hungry. Make me a sandwich. Written on 26/2/08

OutCold

Jake
I don't get why it's always the guys fault for leaving the seat up. Why don't women put it up when they're done? That would make equally as much sense. And if you wanted to get technical, when I go into a bathroom and see the seat up (as long as the toilet is clean) I don't assume some dude left it up, I assume it has been recently cleaned. It actually looks more neat. You should just turn it around on her next time. If she says why'd you leave the seat up tell her, "Because you've been leavin it down for 3 weeks and i'm fluppin sick of it. Written on 26/2/08

Agata

Agata
It seems to me your girlfriend had some hot trips in your car =) As for the magazines in the driver's side door panel - I also have some "latest" issues... and some kinky adult toys in glove box, not because I'm using them in my car, but because I always forget to take them off.
Written on 28/7/08

whyme

Davey Dave Daaaaaaaaaaave
My name is Dave and I sell TV Brackets Written on 13/5/09

Wanna comment? Signup!