The GyroGym. No, Seriously

by Jane []

Published on 24/7/07 in Television

I could not believe it when, this morning, I was informed by the wonderful people at Good Morning America that I've been horribly mistaken for all these years: getting fit is all about twirling!

This morning, I had the unfortunate experience of watching Good Morning America. For our non-American readers, the show is as bad as it sounds. You all have similar pieces of trash in your morning TV line-ups, such as New Zealand's Good Morning. In fact, I think they're probably all called Good Morning. Bon Journée, France. They're pithy, self-important "current events" shows that make a big deal about traffic and the weather.

However, this morning's assortment of bollocks caught my attention. The GMA idiots were pushing something truly unbelievable. A machine that makes you skinny by twirling you around. Like an astronaut.

I was devastated. I could not believe my eyes. Pouring with sweat after an hour's run and hungry as hell after just one bowl of oatmeal, it suddenly occurred to me how much of my time I've been wasting with my useless workout regimes and silly healthy diets. There is absolutely no need for my aching thighs and feet, my stiff calf muscles, and my raised heart rate. I could get just as taut and toned by twirling, and yet I've been religiously pounding the pavements of Seattle for seven months now. Before that, my collegiate swimming career was fun and all, but I could have missed several of those two-hour practices if only I'd known about the GyroGym! The best part of the whole deal is that it only takes ten minutes a day. Ten minutes of running and I'm only just getting started! Ten minutes of swimming is barely half the warm-up.

What a fool I've been.

And then it dawned on me, like the sun coming up over Lake Washington as I run across the Montlake Bridge. The GyroGym is a crock of shit.

America, wake the fuck up. Good fucking morning, indeed. The segment is a advertisement, and the models they've inserted into these glorified jungle-gyms weigh 115 pounds because they're not lazy slobs who think they can exercise by twirling for ten minutes a day. In fact, playing on kids' jungle gyms would burn a hell of a lot more calories and tone a lot more muscles than would twirling. The female host who they've strapped into one of these former fairground amusements is asked if she thinks it's working.

"Well, I can feel it in my core," she says, which is akin to pilates instructers telling you to hold your tummy tightly and expect Nelly Furtado abs. Not. Going. To. Happen. Maria Sharapova has a body like she does from playing a fuckton of tennis. Gwen Stefani readily admits that she works out (as in, sweats) five to six days a week in order to look that good. The people on the commercials for useless workout products eat nothing but beef jerky and protein bars, and they use far more than the TreadClimber to have an ass and thighs like that.

However, that's not going to stop Middle America from buying these idiotic devices. It won't even occur to Jenny Regularo and Dan Normalcy that these machines are e-fucking-normous and will not fit in their garages, let alone their basements. They'll be totally suckered in my the promise of sitting idly on the couch for 23.5 hours a day, twirling for thirty minutes and looking like an Olympian.

I caught shit from several Drivlers in the past for talking trash about scammy weight-loss pills and machines. People wrote in to complain that not everyone (by which I assume they mean "they") is capable of running for an hour a day. I'd say, "Well, go swimming," but I'd get angry comments about how not everyone knows how to swim. And that it's expensive to go to the pool. Not as fucking expensive as a GyroGym, asshat.

Go walking. Go for a vigorous outing in your wheelchair. America, you aren't all crippled. You're not all so injured that you have to hoist yourselves into massive spinning machines to avoid the impact of a forty-five minute walk. I've been engaging in physically intensive sports since I was eleven, and I'm tired of people who push the idea that there are easy ways to getting and staying fit. But if you must, buy your GyroGym. The only difference you'll see is that, instead of being a fatass, you'll be a broke fatass. These pieces of shit cost between $9000 and $14,495. However. they've provided a handy link to a financing company on the GyroGym website, so don't worry - you can be an debt-ridden, broke fatass by the end of summer!

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31 Comments

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blitzhund

I believe that it gives new meaning to the phrase "Sit and spin" Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

"Mm! I can definitely have desert tonight. After all, I spun for a whole twelve minutes this morning!" Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

Rebecca

You know what's cheaper than $15,000? A pair of tennis shoes. Sidewalks are free. Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

A trip to New York, hotel, food and the entry fee for the New York Marathon are cheaper than $15,000. Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

Sticky

A very nice pool costs 10,000 dollars, and with routine maintenance, I'd be willing to bet it'd last decades longer than the piece of shit machinery they're trying to sell.

Not to mention it'd bump up the property value of your house. The kids would go "HOLY FUCK! THEY'VE GOT A POOL! CANWELIVEHEREMOMCANWECANWE?!" Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

TinFoilHat

That whole "I don't have time to exercise" is a crock.

I wonder if the same people who say that have no problem sitting in front of American Idol (or some other mindless piece of drivel) for hours on end.

On the other hand, all those lard asses sitting at home keep the sidewalks wide open for me. Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

The "no time" thing is indeed crap. You don't need to spend any more than half an hour running to see some great improvements. That's RUNNING, people. Not doing "yoga", "Pilates." Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

Sticky

I'd exercise, but my fat ass is too lazy.

At least I'm truthful. Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

sportrider

Id just like to add. Yoga is not meant to make you fit. Thats some shit westerners came up with. Yoga is for disciplining the mind and the body. The fitness came from the constant wars we had (And trust me no one sat around going "But I can't run to evade the arrow")

As for fitness alternatives, a starter race bike will cost around $1000. Thats a race prepped 500cc bike. Add $250 for a trailer, and for each trackday, and you have a fun alternative to jogging around. Thrashing a bike around on a racetrack is very hard work. Doing it for 5-6 hours is a very good workout. Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

benlacy2112

I absolutely love to hear about these bullshit methods for getting fit without having to exert energy. There are so many of 'em it's ridiculous.

What people need to realize, is that to get in shape you have to eat healthy and exercise. There's no way around it. Now there are exceptions to every rule, and some lucky souls have gotten away with getting fit without having to do the above; but basically you have to workout and eat right in order to get and stay fit.

I heard an ad on the radio the other day for one of those basically-legal-speed pills. The guys says "I don't like to workout and a diet's not for me". Well guess what, numbnuts? You're not going to get fit!

This stuff makes me laugh and cry at the same time. I swear to god these people are ridiculous.

That is all. Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

jaydub

I clicked through Jane's link to the company's website. All kinds of breathless testimonials, but my favourite bit of tripe was when they invoked E=MC^2 to explain why the doohickey works your body, no matter your size (I think they meant to reference Kinetic Energy = 1/2MV^2, or possibly Newton's 2nd Law F=MA). One hopes their engineers are sharper than their marketing flacks, or their lawyers will be busy. Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

Don't you love it when, instead of being able to say "this exercise burns calories, makes you sweat and ultimately makes you skinnier," they have to blind people with science instead? They could probably make up meaningless equations and barely anyone would notice. Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

jaydub

It takes some powerful mojo to split folks from $14,000. Or even better, $30,000 after a 5-year 15% consumer loan with $500 monthly payments.

I'm probably a little outside the normal range with 2x weekly Tae Kwon Do and daily lacrosse wall-ball workouts - but I still get more than my share of TV and video game time. Its not that hard to make time. Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

EpicQuaker

I love that 'Flight of the Conchords' has made New Zealand the new country du jour. Also, the GyroGym sounds like the unholy spawn of that hamster ball challenge from 'American Gladiators' and the belt sander weight-loss gimmick from the 1950's. Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

Ah, I mentioned it because I'm from New Zealand :| Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

EpicQuaker

Errr...uh, great show you folks made, then. I'm originally from Iowa, so that justifies my unqualified judgements. Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

contentmuse

Bret and Jemaine are the best duo since the demise of the beloved Corey/Corey synergy of the late 80s. Dream a Little Dream? - lately I have - of a rhymenocerous and a hiphop-potamus Written on 25/7/07

My Comment:

Sticky

I went for a walk today after reading this.

But I overextended myself, and now I have blisters on my feet, am sunburnt, and I damn near had a heatstroke.

Yeah, I'm wasn't exactly prepared. I was banking on the fact that my mom would be at the gym and she could give me a lift home. She wasn't. Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

Sticky

Just checked. 4 miles, total. Half that with no water, full-on sunlight, and a godawful heat with high humidity. Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

unbelievable

Blisters from *4 miles*??? Good lord! Is that even possible? Written on 26/7/07

My Comment:

anneliese

Jane, when you talk about Seattle that way, you make me SO homesick!!! Written on 24/7/07

My Comment:

unbelievable

Hey what's the problem? If people want to believe all this shit, then let them. They'll be 1.5m across the bum and will never be able to walk up a hill and will die of diabetes or heart problems - but F*&k 'em. It's their life, and it keeps the fat bastards out of the bush and out of the gym and safely in their lougerooms where I don't have to see them. Written on 26/7/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

Very good point. They tend to clog up the lanes at the pool pretty badly, too. Written on 27/7/07

My Comment:

Edward

Putain de merde!! ahaha I can't belive that! Written on 27/7/07

My Comment:

Versch

Sweet Seattle Jane,

Let's check a very good book about twirlers,

ah The Dervishs' (Sufis) most romantic poet(s) ever, Rummi and others

From Rummi:

"There is nothing better then Sex!"

OPPPSSS that was me

Rummi again:

"There is nothing better then sex and Yoga"

sorry that was me again

okay for real, real Rummi:

(Lets subsitute weight gain/lose to a dog)

Now, what if a dog's owner
were not able to control it?

A poor Dervish might appear:
the dog storms out.
The dervish says,I take refuge with God
when the dog attacks."

and the dog's owner has to say,
"So do I! I'm helpless against this
creature even in my own house!"

Just as you can't come close,
I can't get out.

This is how amimal energy becomes
monstrous and ruins
your life's freshness and beauty.

ahhhh. . .

Think of this,

take the dog to hunt and

YOU be the quarry.

No, i'm not a religuos nut

I'm just a nut

But all that twirling did make me think of Rummi and I always think of sex too

i'm just a guy.

~~~fred Written on 29/7/07

My Comment:

gabrielle

??? Written on 29/7/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

Restraining order has been requested. You are a creep. Written on 29/7/07

My Comment:

EpicQuaker

Also, its 'Rumi' -- 'Rummi' is some Rummy-meets-Mahjong computer game. I thought stalkers were detail-oriented. Written on 30/7/07

My Comment:

Tharris

What I love about these sites are people can say anything they want, even if they don’t know shit about the subject. Has anyone who made a comment here actually tried this thing? Is it even remotely possible that there are technologies that work, even if you don’t understand them? I use one at a health club in LA, I can tell you it has nothing to do with being a ride. It takes a huge amount of energy to control the movement. I play full court basketball twice a week and this thing has me winded in 5 minutes. I agree it takes more the 10 minutes a day, but I don’t have the time to spend 2 hours in gym working every muscle. I know this forum is about trashing everything possible, but what the fuck. Written on 20/9/07

My Comment:

JaneCopland

"I use one at a health club in LA,"

Insta-douchebag.

I just got back from a six mile run. It feels good not to pay some LA "health club" for my workout. But who am I to tell you how to waste your money? Have fun spinning, dude. I'm sure your strength and aerobic fitness levels are absolutely astonishing. Written on 20/9/07

My Comment:

Agata

I do need this one! I also wanna see my swimsuit fitting well! Thanks a lot for useful info!

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