Ben Franklin. Thomas Edison. The makers of Bean-O. These men were rogues of invention and true pioneers in every sense of the word. I, on the other hand, am a brutish man-baby who thinks suede underpants are normal. I could never hope to add to man's brilliance like they have - until now. I'm here to document the "new" game my brother and I spent playing for the better part of an hour today. I'm sure that somehow in some way some drunken fraternity has stumbled upon this, or maybe the boredom of office politics has at some point gotten the best of male coworkers -- I don't know. As far as we're concerned, we're calling it Eyes on the Prize.

Beginning the Game
WHAT YOU'LL NEED: (1) Regulation size football and (2) Willing dumbasses.

Begin by having an abled bodied partner join you in the stupidity. Drunkenness need not be a prerequisite, but if you like your laughter with a little vomit mixed in, why the hell not?

All set? Good. Grab a football, for that is all you need to play Eyes on the Prize. Position yourselves 60-80 feet directly across from each other (open fields are best). The player not beginning with the football should go ahead and strike their best "Jesus pose."

Rules and Scoring
The throwing player should let loose, aiming for any part of the opposing player's body possible. You don't have to throw the ball as hard as you can BUT it helps. High arcers are best for getting "up close & personal." It is important to point out that the nuances of this game are so high brow that sometimes the objectives are lost to new comers. Let us expound on them.

For the thrower: it is important to hit your opponent accurately and often. For each hit you make, you gain 1 point. A usual game goes up to 10 points, but feel free to change this point total depending on how much both of you suck and/or drank.

For the person standing there looking like a praying retard: it is imperative to the enjoyment of all that you stand as still as possible. NO swaying to and fro to avoid a direct hit. If you do so, THEN YOU ARE A PUSSY AND I FEEL SORRY FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND, CAKEBOY. Again, any point on the body is fair game. . .

. . .ESPECIALLY nut shots. Hence the name, Eyes on the Prize. If you're like us, then you'll come to see the recipient of the nutshot as THE LOSER and the hitter of the nuts as THE WINNER (aka Master of the Universe). Feel free to call "game" if you take a shot to the groin. But if you're into blood in your urine, then by all means, continue. Otherwise, I guess you could cover up your wang upon impact, but what's the fun in that???

As, as far as coed EOP is concerned, it's do-able, there are just "adjustments" to be made. Since you women don't have frank & beans, it's not exactly the same game; hell, the name "EOP" just goes out the window but we're all about equality these days. Therefore, any direct cooch shots should just result in obligatory sex -- and you being declared the loser, of course. And then, they all lived happily ever after. The End.