There's something wrong with the Beaver.
Recently I was sent one of those dubious internet forwards. You know the lot. Those things that just keep circulating and circulating. Some have veracity. Some do not. This one is rumored to be a *fake*, but it gives me such a chuckle, I don't really care. Read the rest...
Posted Aug 24th 2006, 08:05 in Sports
Office Space
We have a new guy at work. Predictably geeky and twitchy. It's a computer software company, after all. He seems innocuous enough.<br /><br />I arrived early this morning to meet a deadline. There was hardly anyone in yet. I went into the breakroom to get some coffee. As I was waiting for my brew, I had the uncontrollable urge to fart. I went for it, figuring I'm the only one around. Read the rest...
Posted Jul 27th 2006, 23:16 in Sports
Little Man: Big Mistake
Okay.<br /><br />I'm about to kick a kitten through a fan.<br /><br />What the hell is this Little Man bullshit that they call a movie? C'mon guys, I love the Wayans brothers as much as the next guy, but this.....this? This is freakin' embarrasing. No, wait, horrific. You know what's more embarrasing than the release of this cinematic brilliance? The fact that people are <em>actually going to see it</em>. Read the rest...
Posted Jul 23rd 2006, 20:45 in Movies
Penny for your thoughts.
Alright. I take issue with this. I know you're not surprised.<br /><br />Barbara Mace, the Chancellor of Liverpool, England, has started a movement to wipe out street names that have anything to do with the slave trade. James Penny was a 18th Century Slave ship owner, and Penny Lane was named after him.<br /><br />Barbara, don't fuck with me.<br /><br />That street is sacred to some of us, and reminds us of a time when there were Octopus's gardens, and Strawberry Fields, and Lucy was in the sky, with diamonds. I don't think <em>anyone</em> remembers Penny Lane for the actual James Penny, where it derived it's moniker. Yes, I think we all agree that slavery was pretty freakin' awful. An abysmal, offensive and horrible part of history. I see your point, Barbara...we'd all like to erase the terrible parts of our respective nations' pasts, and only see ourselves as blissful peacekeepers of freedom, and of all that is right and just. That's not how it happened. Those who do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it. What happened to that? I'm not going to sign a petition to condone Josef Mengele Boulevard, or an Adolf Hitler Avenue. But Penny Lane? C'mon.<br /><br />It's not about James Penny. It's about a barber shop, and about a nurse selling poppies, and a fireman. A simpler time.<br /><br />Don't take away Penny Lane, Barb. It belongs to all of us who still believe. What's in a name? I'll tell you. Everything.<br /><br />P.S. I just checked msnbc.com and as of this evening, they are NOT changing the street name Penny Lane, due to an overwhelming outpouring of reverence for the Beatles. Now I feel like a real tool, but the premise is the same. This will come up again. And I'm ready. Read the rest...
Posted Jul 12th 2006, 08:50 in Books
Pick your battles, numbnut.
Alright. I take issue with this. I know you're not surprised.<br /><br />Barbara Mace, the Chancellor of Liverpool, England, has started a movement to wipe out street names that have anything to do with the slave trade. James Penny was a 18th Century Slave ship owner, and Penny Lane was named after him.<br /><br />Barbara, don't fuck with me. Read the rest...
The reviews are in. You suck.
<div class=post-body> <p></p> <div style=CLEAR: both></div>Okay, folks. Here we go.<br /><br />I'm constantly amazed, no, chagrined, at what passes for music, literature and cinematic brilliance these days.<br /><br />Let's start with music. I am a self-proclaimed music authority. I figure it's my birthright, as I innately know good music when I hear it. It's a gift, really. There seems to be a big ambiguous gaping hole in what passes for *talent* these days. I realize everyone has their opinions, but seriously folks. C'mon.<br /><br />I suscribe to Rolling Stone. Yes, I realize I'm the only white woman in her late 30's that does. I'm not exactly their target demographic. The last page of the magazine is devoted to the Charts, and the Top 40 Albums. Who the f*ck are these people? With the exception of a very select few, most of this din makes me want to kick a kitten through a fan. The only thing that keeps me from drawing a razor blade across my wrists is that The Legend of Johnny Cash is still holding on precariously at number 36. Number 36. Think about that nonsense.<br /><br />1. Anything by Nickelback. Your 15 minutes were over 5 years ago.<br /><br />2. Anything associated with American Idol. Period. <br /><br />3. Animal Liberation Orchestra: Who are these numbnuts? They have a song out called Girl, I wanna lay you down. Gee, guys...whattya mean? My lyric pick: I'll make you dinner, maybe a little pasta, we'll listen to some music, maybe a little Rasta. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.<br /><br />4. INXS and that douchebag that is their current lead singer: Okay, guys, Kevin Costner's career is in the shitter too, but you don't see him on a reality show. Yet, anyway. INXS's agent should be shot at dawn. At close range. So should they for being so desperate that at some point, this whole debacle seemed like a good idea. I wish Michael Hutchence would rise from the dead and kick all their asses, Bruce Lee style. Get it? KICK?!? I guarantee he wouldn't have taken his own life if he knew this would be the eventual outcome. I've got two words for you. Shabooh freakin' Shabah.<br /><br />5. Black-eyed Peas: I'm gonna make some enemies, here. I'll make this brief.<br />My Humps: My lyric pick:<br /><br />What u gon' do with all that ass?<br />All that ass inside them jeans?<br />I'm a make, make, make, make you scream<br />Make u scream, make you scream.<br /><br />And that's not even THE HOOK. People, I could consume two cans of Alphabet Soup at lunch and literally shit better lyrics than this by dinner.<br /><br />6. Sheryl Crow: Enough already. I'm terribly sorry she's suffering through breast cancer right now and Lance dumped her. Seriously. But, maybe if she starts writing about the pain derived from those situations, we'll get some quality music. Art is pain, Sheryl. I'd rather have a tarantula crawl into my ear and lay eggs than hear about Steve McQueen or you having mid-day beers next to a car wash. Just sayin'.<br /><br />Ryan Adams: Less is more, dude. Let the record show I like Ryan Adams, but I'm seriously surprised I haven't opened up an old family photo album and he's not in the background somewhere, with his disheveled hair and retro glasses. (Ryan: see Elvis Costello..dude, it's been done, and quite frankly, BETTER.) That goes double for Jack White.<br /><br />7. Josh Rouse can kiss my lily white ass. Wuss.<br /><br /><br />For the sake of brevity, I'll censor myself now. I could go on and on. There's certainly no lack of material. <br /><br />So not to sound (more) like a pompous self-righteous bitch, I'll give you a brief selection of currently released music that doesn't make me want to drink bleach. In no particular order.<br /><br />1. James Blunt: Back to Bedlam- British dude. Sure, his cd is a bit whiny and predictable. Yet it's less simpering than it is poignant. Plus, he's hotter than Georgia asphalt.<br /><br />2. Red Hot Chili Peppers: Stadium Arcadium - Yeah, they are what they are, but at least they haven't deviated from their core and although a double album is somewhat overkill, it still has some tracks that I revere. Flea is a God. A toolbag, sure...but dude can play the hell outta some bass. He found his niche, good for him.<br /><br />3. Lewis Taylor: Stoned - I'm not a big fan of the 70's throwback blackfunkfusion music, but it's good stuff. You're powerless against the groove.<br /><br />4. Gabe Dixon: Live at the World Cafe - Look out, Ben Folds.<br /><br />5. Teddy Thompson: Separate Ways - It's a suicide soundtrack for the most part, but if you can get over it's blatant bitter desperation, you'll find yourself mesmerized.<br /><br />6. John Mayer: I'm totally kidding, I abhor John Mayer. Hot isn't synonymous with good, unless you're James Blunt.<br /><br />7. Gomez: How we operate - These guys deserve every single accolade they're currently receiving. Granted, it's not for everyone, but a better live show you cannot witness.<br /><br />8. Andy Logan: Ride - This gem isn't available quite yet, from what I understand, but I got an advanced copy. Coming very soon. Check out his website: www.andylogan.com. Bug him about it. He's got a few cd's available on www.cdbaby.com. You'll thank me later. It stirs me to my core. And that's a bold statement. It's the real deal, period.<br /><br />9. The Replacements: Do you know who I think I was? Pure. Fucking. Brilliance.<br /><br />10. Augustana: All the Stars and Boulevards - Okay, I'll admit these guys are my current guilty pleasure and if the tv show The O.C. ever needs a new theme song, Boston would be it. Except for the part about it being Boston, and not somewhere in Southern California. A technicality, really. These guys seem forthright and honest and they utilize a piano...never a bad thing in my book. You know how I roll...I kick it old school.<br /><br />I've taken up enough of your time. I'll conquer literature and cinema in the near future. Of course, because I'm right. So there. <div style=CLEAR: both; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.25em></div> <p></p></div> Read the rest...
Anyone have a life I can borrow?
Dirty laundry and cigarette butts scattered around the room like an explosion. An every-ready crucial bottle of generic labeled aspirin. Slips of papers, napkins, coasters with scribbles, thoughts, names and numbers. Empty Coke cans and a few not-so-empty ones that teeter precariously in high-risk places, waiting for me to create the inevitable mess. Beer bottles, cans, and the cardboard carcasses of 12 packs long since consumed. Read the rest...
Posted Jun 24th 2006, 18:37 in Sex
I'm NOT eating testicles. Just sayin'.
So, this afternoon I'm on my daily drive home from work on the Interstate, and a green pick-up truck flys past me in the left lane. Unremarkable, except for the fact that the toolbag driving the truck had a set of fake testicles hanging off of his trailer hitch, or whatever that silver vertical ball thingy is that hangs off of trucks. I think it's called a trailer hitch. One could argue that I'm a trailer bitch and I still don't know the correct term. I digress.<br /><br />Normally I would find this hysterical. For some reason, I didn't. It was kinda gross. Talk about balls out. They were shiny...like golf balls in two sacs of silly putty, really. Swaying back and forth with the speed of the vehicle. Yig.<br /><br />I wish I'd gotten a look at the driver, but in typical toolbag fashion, he had dark tinted windows. I guarantee a Mullet was behind that glass. Or worse yet, the Redneck Eminem type. You know him...skinny, borderline concave, shaved head, wife beater, bad-ass tattoos that he gave himself with Everclear and an inkpen. Uses the term pimpin' and biatch. Not exactly a Mensa candidate.<br /><br />This is coincidental. Here in Nashville, a local establishment is promoting its first ever Testicle Festival. Seriously. Check it out: http://www.judgebeans.com/festival/.<br /><br />Of course, these are animal testicles. Turkey, lamb or calf testicles. They are trying the marketing approach of using the term fries instead of...um...say, BALLS!?!? That's like George Bush calling Global Warming Freedom Heat or some such crap. Not that the average ball-eating Joe would mind the politically correct euphemism. I'm guessing that if you actually <em>enjoy</em> eating testicles, semantics aren't big on your list of priorities. I'll fall for testicles disguised as fries when I fall for the ole I'll just put the *tip* in charade. Just sayin'.<br /><br />Anyway, unless they are actually serving the testicles of some of my ex-boyfriends.....count me OUT.<br /><br />I can see it now; <br /><br />Dumbass: <em>Oh, Maitre D', what type of grape libation would you recommend for the BOVINE balls?</em><br /><br />Maitre D'; <em>Boone's Farm</em> Read the rest...
Posted Jun 22nd 2006, 21:12 in Movies
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